So we started trying for baby #2 yesterday. Woot! Don’t worry, I’ll save you from all the details. I’m mainly writing this post because I shared my first pregnancy and I need to be fair to this little love bug too. Plus, I’m a writer. It’s what I do! (ehem - Did you notice I didn’t call myself just a “mom”?)
AND because I can’t believe that we’re at this point…
I thought for a while there Jackson (20.5 month old son) would be it. That first year was a VERY tough and challenging journey for me. Yet, really awesome too. I think some of you parents out there will “get” that statement. I look back at photos of myself before Jackson and think, you had NO idea what was coming your way. I was judgmental then. I thought I knew all the answers. I was focused a lot on things that were such small pieces of the puzzle and bigger picture, and man, I sure looked rested!!!
Then I was blinded by this thing called motherhood.
I really think the transition was so hard because I was never around babies to start and I was never that googly goggly baby person. I was fine if I didn’t hold a baby or change a diaper. Friends never called me to babysit. I had NO clue what I was doing. I knew how to play volleyball though and cook and set up friends and write… Now I was sleep-deprived to the max and I had SUPER high expectations of how well I should handle everything and I wasn’t meeting ANY of them. I was totally off my game.
I had NO CONTROL or ANYTHING. NONE. ZIP. ZILCH.
And to top it all off, my hubby was frozen in fear and working a bunch. We were once TIED to the hip before kids. We did everything together and traveled the world and came and went as we pleased throughout the day and weekends. Oh, the life! PLUS, I didn’t realize how much work (and painful) breast feeding would be. I was determined though. And then transitioning back to working full-time and all the pumping breaks and cleaning parts and toting bags around, and all the dishes…
Let’s just say that first year was the biggest emotional rollercoaster of my life. I’ve never cried so much in my life. Now, I see a stranger cry and I’m sobbing right beside them. What happened to me!?!
I feel. I feel for everyone.
After Jackson, our life changed in a HUGE way. HUGE. I still remember how alone I felt when Karl would go up to bed and I was downstairs rocking Jackson to sleep, praying he’d give me three hours of solid sleep. Five and I would actually function. I was so anxious before bed, sabotaging any good sleep by wondering just how tired I’d be the next day if I didn’t fall asleep in the next ten minutes, hour, two...
I so wanted to crawl in bed with Karl like we did before every night, but I couldn’t, I had a huge responsibility crying in my arms. Things weren’t easy anymore. Or I still remember how isolated I felt when we finally gathered the courage to travel (on a plane!) and I’d have to scurry on downstairs every couple hours and find a dark room to nurse while everyone was having fun and drinking like old times. Clearly the list could go on here.
Well, well, well…wasn’t that short-lived?
I can’t even begin to explain how magical becoming a mom has been. Obviously it outweighs all the above. Jackson blows me away every single day. Can he seriously be this cute!?!?
Yes, I stare at him ALL THE TIME and yes, I literally feel my mind smoking and my heart growing ten sizes bigger when he says “Amen, mama!” after our prayers at night or he wraps his little arms around me or he walks up to me and kisses my lips. How is it possible I am this lucky to be his mom???? I pinch myself sometimes. Am I dreaming? Am I in some weird bubble right now? It’s so weird. So cool. So incredible. SUCH a MIRACLE.
The transition of “me” has been incredible too - a scared first-time mom (who wanted to hide in the clothes rack at Kohl’s Department store), growing into a confident, loving, strong mother who thinks she’s ready for another.
I never realized how much I could love someone, and have that love grow every single day. Weirdly enough, I’m not worried about loving another. I thought I would be. But I know it’s going to come and I’m going to fall fast and hard. That’s what has amazed me most about becoming a mom. How easy it is to love – how natural that comes (maybe not immediate but it floods your heart when the time is right) and how my instincts are spot on ALL THE TIME.
Don’t get me wrong, there are fears! Ohhh, doggie, there are fears. The more you have, the more you have to lose. And yes, I’m scared of ALL the work ahead of me and figuring out ways to share my time equally while keeping my head on straight and not losing sight of myself. I honestly don’t know how it’s going to work out, but I’m trusting God on this one because my heart is telling me something else.
- I want Jackson to have a sibling. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the relationship I have with both my brothers. I want Jackson to have that. He is going to make the BEST bigger brother.
- I want to grow our family. Some of my favorite moments are just hanging out. Walks, bike rides, time at the park, reading books, playing. Yet, I feel that we are missing someone. Is that weird?? Like, I can already SEE this little love bug in photos, in my heart in our life. It’s weird. I just know it’s time. I want those nights at the dinner table as a family and just those awesome moments I had with my family.
- I want to soak up every last minute of this one. My guess is this will be our last since I’ll be high risk towards the end and Karl has pretty much put the kibosh on any more. And financially things are tight. Yeah. Yeah. I also think I’ll know a little more of what to expect and not be so hard on myself. I won’t be worried about every last thing (ha!). I will relax a little more on the nights I’m up rocking in the middle night, and NOT worry so much about how tired I will be. I will take things as they come and just BE. (This is a more rested mom saying this.)
Because I know now this stage ISN’T forever. NOTHING stays the SAME for long. They grow SO incredibly fast and change in a blink. I can’t believe Jackson is almost two. How on earth did that happen??? All I know is things DO get easier. I WILL get my evenings with Karl back and I will be able to sip wine again and cook and play volleyball and workout and run outside. I will get to do ALL THAT AGAIN. Maybe not as much and not right away, but everything evolves so quickly. I think this is why we moms forget about labor. It’s only the teeniest fraction of motherhood.
I remember someone posted on my Facebook wall after I had Jackson. “Congrats on the delivery, now the hard part begins.” I was like…HUH?? That labor sucked!! But they were right. Labor is nothing. Like I said before, it’s an awesome kind of hard though.
I’m ready for this beautiful journey ahead. And I wanted to be able to say that in my gut before we started trying. So heeeere we go!! Round two!
Pray for us J