Now picture complete silence. My mouth dropping, eyes wide as saucers and complete panic rushing through my blood.
There was more to the email but that sentence was all I read before immediately calling my husband. I don't know what I said to him. I think I panted in the phone for awhile before making sense.
I was walking into Rainbow Foods, checking my BlackBerry (again) and almost passed out when the email came through. So I turned around and sat back in my car. My heart stopped. It really did. I felt it. A bunch of texts came through. Tears stung my eyes when my husband wrote, "no matter what happens, I'm proud of you." Who could top that? Nothing. Yes, he's amazing.
The first time I received a request for a follow-up email from my three-sentence pitch was in Wal-Mart while I bought groceries the week before.
Are you noticing a pattern here? I like food. And I guess I like to grocery shop. And Kim must know this. Ha. I could hear noises like never before. I felt like I was swimming in green beans and tomatoes. They were all I could focus on, and my breathing. For a second I thought I was back snorkeling in Mexico, listening to each sharp breath.
I stared at the blurry shopping list in my hands. Nothing made sense. What was produce again? How many onions? An old war vet raised his brows and smiled at me at least five times as I spun in circles wondering what the hell I was doing. I threw things in my cart. Went up and down the same aisle at least four times. Then I started talking to myself out loud. I'm sure I looked manic.
And for a second, for a split second, I felt it. A dream coming true. And I wanted to grab it and keep it. I wanted it to be mine forever. I've never been so close!!! All the dreaming, hard work, focus and determination were worth a tiny taste of knowing what this could really feel like. And I want it even more. I want this. I'm going to get there. And I've never been more sure of anything in my life (well, besides marrying my love Karl).
I could have floated out of the store. I wanted to keep the 'high' more than anything. I wanted to bottle the moment, knowing it would disappear faster than a damn blink.
My hands shook. My stomach ached. I needed to get away. And I forgot half the groceries.
Then just as fast as the pure joy and glory washed over me, doubt, worry and fear started to sneak in. I tried pushing it away. But it wreaked havoc on my stomach. And I can't figure out if I ate too much whole wheat pasta or if it was the overkill of asparagus...or nerves....lots and lots of them...
Is my stuff good enough?
Will it be exactly what she's looking for?
Will I hear..."yes"! or will it be "no"?
Will this be my only chance?
Will I become a 'published' author?
Will I be able to make my dream come true?
I don't know. It's all I can think about. And this is one of those times I wish I could fast forward into the future and know the outcome so I can prepare my emotions. But I can't. This is the story of life. I can bust my ass. I can research, learn and keep on writing. But only God knows and this is what makes each day precious. Sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail. I guess it's what we do after that, that really defines us.
Here's to dreaming!
All that's worth cherishing, begins in the heart - Suzane Chapin