Travel Often

“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it.” — Rosalia de Castro

Love Deeply, but Laugh Along the Way

"Happiness is only real when shared." - Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild

View Marriage as an Adventure

"Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage." ~Finnish Proverb

Fuel your body with GOOD (It's the only one you get)

He who has health has hope; and he who has hope has everything. - Arabian Proverb

Open your Soul to Motherhood

A Grand Adventure is About to Begin - Winnie the Pooh

A New Kind of Love is Born

Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Learning to Accept Change on My Time - Week 4

An entire month has gone by since Jackson's arrival and it has gone by in a blink of an eye. I can't even explain it or believe it. And it's not like we do a ton together. I stare at him a lot and hold him and scan every inch of his body down to the little fuzzy hairs on his ears. I have to kiss him at least twenty times a second and he smells so good.

We think Jackson's around 10 pounds now. Karl got on the scale with him a week and half ago and he was 9 pounds 5 ounces, so we're assuming he has to be up to 10 pounds by now. We need to do that again!

So what's new at Month One?

My Body
It's amazing what we put our bodies through when we have a baby. Isn't it? The hormones, the emotions, the ever-expanding stomach and butt...and thighs... And poof, this little miracle comes out and changes everything. I expected my stomach to go down immediately but it took a couple weeks to start looking flat again. And the muscle tone just isn't quite there like it used to be. But that's probably because I haven't been able to lift weights or hit the gym. Right now I'm walking most every day for 45 minutes. It's weird how I don't totally care right now about my weight when I was so obsessed about it for so many years. However, I've tried putting on pre-pregnancy jeans and they are a titch too tight. OK...I can't even button most of them. So I take a breath and say..."Someday I'll get back into you!" For now, my focus is on Jackson.
My ever-changing body and the prize at the end!

Work Anxiety
I have two more months to go before I head back to work and I'm already freaking out about it. I know, chill out, right? I'd give anything to be able to work from home a day or two or three a week once my maternity leave runs out and I hope my work allows me to do that. Good news though! Starting on the 28th, I'm going to work as little or as much as I can (within 40 hours) from home and test out the waters. I'm praying hard it works out, and I'm think from my end it will. I hope and pray it can continue though. I don't go back until July and have a feeling it's going to be here before I know it. For now I'm trying to live in the moment as much as I can.

My Time with Jackson
I'm trying to soak up every second with Jackson. He's such a wonderful baby. He really is. I love him so much. He's been so wonderful at night (though not always). Right now he doesn't have to be sleeping and I can set him in the bassinet and he falls asleep. I find myself lying in bed thanking God for such a wonderful baby over and over, waiting for him to wake. Sometimes before I drift off midway through my prayers, I wonder what Jackson is thinking as he lays there. Then I feel this sense of happiness I can't quite explain - even when I wake up again at 2 or 3 - more so when I wake up at 5 and get a good 6-7 hours of sleep!! But before any of this, the minute we'd set him down, he'd begin crying and that's when the bargaining with God began. "God...if you hear me...I'd love three hours of sleep in a row. I promise I'll do more good in the world...I promise..."
Spit up
Jackson still has issues spitting up and being super gassy. I took him to the chiropractor, hoping an adjustment would help. So far he's spit up every day since, but he doesn't cry after... I'll take that! I also have tried cutting back on dairy as much as I can.

Adjusting as a Mom
This mom thing is actually getting better and better. I will say, I really enjoy it. Keep in mind as I'm writing this I had seven hours (in a row) of sleep... (Thanks to my awesome mom.) But even when I am going off two hours of sleep, I still love Jackson more and more.
I can actually figure out why he's crying and all his different cries (not all the time, but a lot of the time). I know when I need to change his diapers. But then I catch myself trying not to love being home with him too much because I am so worried about the transition of going back to work. I don't want to bawl my eyes out when I drop him off because my heart hurts too much. I already know that week back at work is going to be tough.

The thing is...I can't control my emotions at all anymore. I cry so easily. Before I could swallow tears back. Now...there's no stopping them. And that drives me crazy. I hate people seeing me so darn emotional. It's embarrassing for someone who never cried in public before. For example, Karl and I had a Baptismal meeting at our church. We watched a video and I cried. And there was another couple there with a six month old. I didn't see any tears there! What is wrong with me?? I read a book to Jackson...cried. I started thinking of him growing old...cried. Hoping I can control this soon.
Jackson is one month old!

Thank God for Parents
My parents came up on Mother's Day since Karl flew out at 8:00 to take his orthotics exam. I SO need them here for me and their schedule is so flexible since they are both retired. I was able to get all the errands I needed to get to FINALLY with them here. I was able to go to a bunch of appointments too. I got my moles checked and a couple removed...results to follow. I was able to get a hair cut and styled. The parents live five hours away. But, I'll take what time I can get with them.

I know I keep saying this on Facebook but I have a whole new appreciation for my mom. She's been here before. She knows how it not everyone gets what I'm going through, how the weight of the world is on my shoulders, the anxiety, the lack of sleep, the change, the unknown, the crazy person that is coming out inside of me, the amount of love I have for Jackson. She gets it all and she doesn't mind it one bit. I don't need to apologize for any of it or how I'm acting. Anyone other than my mom and I feel like I'm always apologizing for being a nut case. And that's hard for me. Who wants to be known as a nut case???? Basically I know I'm not totally myself yet. I'm not and it's hard to pretend to be all bubbly and cheerful when I don't feel that way. I am trying. But lack of sleep will do that. I get so much pressure from the outside world to act like myself. To be perfect. To be more available. To have it all together by now because it seems everyone else who just had a baby is.  I am still exhausted!!

Thankfully, I had some other moms stop by and they understood exactly what I was going through. They reminded me my priorities right now are ME and JACKSON. That is it. I will come around soon, but for now, I need to rest. I need to get adjusted. As long as Jackson is happy, that's what matters.

My mom's been helping so much and I'm so grateful. She's been cleaning the house, washing floors, doing laundry, scrubbing out our scummy shower, staying up all night with Jackson and feeding him while I catch up on sleep, cooking meals, ordering frozen foods from Schwans, going to the grocery store, taking out the stains in Karl's shirts, rubbing my back, telling me it's all going to be OK, helping me pump, buying me the things I need to help my body recover. She has been my life saver and I'm sorry, but nobody can come close to my mom right now. She makes me feel safe and comfortable and I know no matter what comes out of my mouth or body, she'll love me all the same. There's no judgement. No whispering behind my back. Just acceptance. Just pure LOVE.
Then my dad has been wonderful too. He took me out yesterday to run a ton of errands and took care of everything. I couldn't believe it. He even took me to lunch. I don't think I've had lunch with just my dad in over ten years. And it felt wonderful!!!!! to calls...