It drives me crazy not knowing what I'm doing half the time as a mom and all the second guessing. Why can't I just trust myself???
I find myself asking if I should be doing something else than what I have been doing? If I'm doing something wrong? If there is a better way I don't know about? Where is the instruction manual??? I find myself asking Karl a lot...should I be doing this? Should I do this instead? Like he knows better than I do, or something.
I know parenthood is trial and error but like I said on Facebook, even though it seems like a lot of the decisions I'm making are small ones, I'm still gambling with my sleep. And that is huge to me.
|I'm really going to miss this cuddle time throughout the day!|
So hear me out....
Wednesday night I was able to get out of the house and play volleyball. Yay mom! Karl was going to feed Jackson a bottle since we need to do that a few times a week so Jackson gets used to it once he goes to daycare. He was last fed at 7:00 p.m. Karl planned on feeding him around 8:30/9:00. That didn't really go as planned. I get home and Jackson is sleeping. It's quarter to ten. Karl said that Jackson was pretty fussy and tried everything to calm him down. Just as he was about to give him a bottle, he passed out. So the bottle sat in the fridge.
OK...change of plans. (Note: this tends to happen a lot.)
We both tried to wake him, going against all the rules I've heard. "NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY." But I knew if he didn't eat, he'd be getting up in the middle of the night for sure, and I'd maybe...maybe get 3-4 hours of sleep. I try to avoid that scenario at all costs whatever it takes.
Jackson was NOT waking for us.
|Our cutie pie!|
I knew I needed to pump, and this voice kept telling me to do it, but I kept thinking Jackson would wake up eventually and I would just feed him. I kept asking Karl, "Do you think I should pump? What would you think would happen if I pumped? Maybe I'll wait to pump... Do you think I should wait? What if he wakes up? Should I really pump?"
Who is this annoying person who can't make quick decisions anymore???? ME!!!
All the worrying kept me up until I drifted off into a partial sleep and woke up around 1:20 in the morning with lightening bolts shooting through my chest. I looked over in the bassinet and Jackson was sound asleep. No movement. But I knew Jackson HAD to be waking up soon, but I didn't know when and I knew I needed to pump. So I went through the cycle again. Should I pump? Should I wake him? Will he really sleep through the entire night? Will I run out of milk if he needs to eat within the next hour or even less? Or should I wait to pump? My chest told me otherwise. So I pumped.
I crawled back into bed just as Jackson started to stir. Crap! My mind began racing. Will he wake up too soon and I won't be able to nurse him? Will I have enough food for him to eat? Why didn't Karl feed him at 8:30? Why didn't I pump when I got home from volleyball? Why did I just pump now???
Then I became mad at the world.
Around 2:30 Jackson began to really stir and whimper. He had gone 7.5 hours without eating and my chest was feeling rather empty. There wouldn't be enough in there to feed him, would there??? So Karl suggests I feed him the bottle so the feeding is over quick and I can get some sleep. I find myself scratching my head wondering why I'm getting a bottle ready when the whole point is for Karl to bond with Jackson and for me to catch up on sleep. So here I am downstairs trying to figure out how to operate the bottle warmer and failing miserably. I run upstairs to give Jackson warm milk and run out. He guzzled down 5 ounces in 5 minutes flat and was STILL crying. So what did I do? I nursed.
And then I got real mad at myself. That was just a whole waste of time, sleep and milk.
Around 3:30 I crawled back into bed. Ahhh, once my head hits the pillow, I sleep, right? WRONG.
Jackson was well rested and wasn't totally feeling up for another round of sleep. So we went back and forth with his pacifier and coaxing him. Eventually at 4:30, he was back sleeping. Then up again at 6 a.m.
Let's just say Thursday was a rough day! Lesson learned.
As with anything in life, go with my gut instinct!!! And if you make a mistake, learn from it but dust yourself off and try again.