Baby Items We Love - week 3

Top 15 Items at 3 Weeks

With almost three weeks under our belt, I thought I'd share the baby items we use frequently and love. Of course every baby is different, and there are items we do have that we haven't yet used and I know we will be eventually. Or I've just started using them and am not going to count yet. These are the items that have worked for us over the past three weeks:

1. Fisher Price Swing
Jackson is always sleeping so sweetly in his swing. The first week we brought him home he even slept in the swing during the evenings, while I slept next to him on the couch. This has been a huge life saver!!! I love that we have this in our family room so I can get a lot of stuff done around the house while he naps...even though I should be napping. Sometimes I do! But I've never really been a napper...

Jackson and Grandpa Gary sleeping soundly in the family room

2. Chicco KeyFit 30 Car Seat (and two bases for both cars)
I spent a lot of time researching car seats. Yes, the Chicco KeyFit is more expensive, but it is SO simple and easy to get in and out of our cars and into the BOB stroller. And it's one of the safest car seats out there. I love this. I also love that I had this checked out by the police before I had Jackson. Huge piece of mind knowing it's installed correctly.

3. BOB stroller
I took Jackson out in the BOB his first week home. All I needed was an adapter for the Chicco car seat and we were good to go. I can't wait to start running with this! Jackson and I go for walks at least once a day. Worth every penny!

4. Halo Swaddlers or Big Swaddle Blankets that can be made into Tight Burritos
Thanks to the book, Happiest Baby on the Block, I have learned how important these swaddlers are for a long night's sleep!! Babies are in the womb for nine months and the Halo Swaddler resembles being all snug in mama's womb. Jackson sleeps so wonderful when he's wrapped up in one. And he doesn't scratch himself so much.

Aunt Kelly holding Jackson all swaddled up!

5. Bassinet (with a vibrator and music)
Karl and my mom ran across the street to Once Upon a Child and bought a used bassinet the first week we brought Jackson home. We didn't like how angled he was in everything else and how his neck was bent funky - their necks are so fragile! The bassinet has been a great purchase because it mimics a crib (in a way), but it's still small enough where I know he's not rolling all over and he can sleep next to me. I like it because it's flat, which hopefully means he won't have a hard time adapting to sleeping in his crib when it comes to that time. We just turn on the vibrator and put on ocean waves and Jackson more often than not falls asleep after late night feedings.

6. Pacifier for a Newborn
I was against introducing a pacifier until week four since that's what all the breastfeeding books said, but Jackson loves to suck. And this voice inside of me kept pushing me to try out the pacifier. I swore that's all he needed. Finally I broke down and gave him one when he was wailing. He loved it. He'll take it for about an hour or two a day and is very content. Plus, sucking is one of the S's talked about in The Happiest Baby on the Block.

7. Wipe Warmer
We didn't even register for this, but use it ALL the time!!! Poor Jackson has diaper rash, so I can't help but think the warmer wipes feel much better on his sore butt versus cold. Yep, he's officially spoiled.

8. Medela Electric/Traveling Breast Pump
I heard mixed reviews on this. A lot of people told me to wait to buy a pump because I first needed to find out if I could breastfeed. But I'm glad I did buy this ahead of time, because I did have issues and needed to pump, and ASAP. I remember piecing the whole thing together at 2:30 in the morning going off an hour and a half of sleep wondering how it all worked. The pump has been a great way to save milk for when I go back to work and when we introduce a bottle.

9. Hands-Free Breast Pump Bra
Karl's cousin bought this for me as a shower gift. I use it ALL the time. When I pump and wear this bra, I can read a magazine with both hands, check Facebook, work at the computer. It's awesome!! Love, love, love this!

10. Water temperature duck
We give Jackson a bath every week right now and never know if the water is too warm or too cold. The water always feels too cold for me, but duckie doesn't think so. One of Karl's aunts gave us this duck that tells us if the temperature of the water is too hot. We use it every time.

The duck in the background

11. Medela Storage Bags and an Extra Set of Pumping Parts
Since the first week I have been storing my milk and it's nice to put in storage bags. These have been wonderful and I can write the date on them. Karl's cousin told me to go out and buy a second set of parts too for the pump so I wouldn't have to wash them every single time. Great advice! Nobody wants to do the dishes at 2, 3, 4, and 5 in the morning.

12. My BrestFriend (B-feeding pillow)
I thought the Boppy was the number one breast feeding pillow, but it just doesn't work for me when it comes to feeding time because I have a longer torso. However, I do like to set Jackson on his belly in the Boppy to get his tummy time. So I do use it! But the BrestFriend has helped SO much and I use it every single time I feed Jackson. It sits on my stomach/torso perfectly! I would have bought an extra cover because every time I wash it, Jackson either spits up or poops on it. Nice.

13. Munchkin Arm and Hammer Diaper Garbage Pail
No stink in the nursery! This pail has been wonderful for storing all the stinky diapers and wipes in...thankfully breastfeeding prevents diapers from stinking super bad. I'm sure any garbage can would work, but this is just nice because it's next to the changing table and it's convenient.

Arm and Hammer Diaper Pail and the Wipe Warmer

14. Munchkin Disposable Changing Pads
We have a cushy pad on the changing station, which is part of the crib. However, there is a cloth monkey cover on top (totally adorable). Jackson has showed us that he will pee when he is good and ready, so it's nice to set down disposable changing pads to prevent us from washing the monkey cover every time. And our awesome friends Katie and Jason bought us pee pee tee pee covers to put on Jackson when we do change him so we don't get "hosed". These things are awesome.

Changing station!

15. Pamper Swaddlers Diapers - For Newborns and BURP cloths....LOTS of burp cloths.
These have been a life saver for us - the two who never changed diapers before. We love that the color changes from yellow to blue so we know when Jackson has peed.

Our fave diapers! And our fave little man! :)

And we need lots of burp cloths for all the spit up...and let me tell ya...there is lots of spit up. I have burp cloths all over the house!

Tweet

Read More

Getting *Some* of My Groove Back - Week 3

Week 3 of Motherhood

I feel like I'm getting a bit of my groove back. Yahoooo! But before I speak too soon, I will say there are still those moments where I lose it, but more often than not, I'm feeling pretty good.

I even breastfed in PUBLIC!!! Score!



Me, under my Hooter Hider trying to be discrete as Jackson feeds in public. How am I doing?

But first, Jackson slept a full six hours and mommy liked that a lot! However, the following two days, beginning at 6 p.m., Jackson felt the need to cry all the way until 12:30 in the morning. I even had to put him in his car seat and take a drive around the neighborhood to quiet him down. I wasn't sure what was wrong. I fed him and he projectile spit up everywhere. And he's been doing that more and more. I've been told I'm either over feeding him or my let down is way too fast and his little tummy can't handle it. A friend just told me it could have been the chili I had for dinner and lunch that day...and all those beans. Poor guy. She might be on to something since he's been pretty good since then.

I'm trying to burp him every 10 minutes and that seems to be working. And I'm trying to feed him when he squawks, but the hard part is figuring out why he's crying an hour after I finish feeding him for a solid 30-40 minutes and he has a clean diaper. What is it that is making him cry like that? Is he really hungry again? Gas bubbles? Another burp? Karl thinks he's hungry (again) but after Jackson spits up and acts full, I wonder how he can be hungry so soon?? But I did hear about cluster feeding and growth spurts...

It's a learning process for sure!

All I know is I'm glad we didn't get new couches before Jackson came.

Also, I second guess when I should go to sleep every night. These days I'm ready for bed around 7 but I know I can't. I'm usually finishing up a feeding around 6/7ish. And I know I'll need to feed around 10 again if I want somewhat of a good night's sleep. Usually if I feed him after 10, we can make it to about 4 a.m. (sometimes) without him getting up. Last night, I was extra tired and fed him at 9 p.m. He was up at 1:47 a.m. and then again at 4:50 a.m. But the whole time I felt guilty and thought I should've forced myself to stay up until midnight so I wouldn't have to get up at 2 a.m. But really, my body told me otherwise and I was out. It's just hard trying to come up with some type of feeding schedule. I know Jackson is only at three weeks, but still. I keep wondering how that'll be once I go back to work? How do I calculate my morning routine?  Will I have to get up three hours earlier just so I can make sure Jackson is fed, there is enough food for him at day care, he's changed and then I'm ready...oh, and Karl too??

We'll be introducing a bottle tomorrow and I can't wait!!! This means maybe I can head out for a couple hours and run some errands, or I can workout at the gym...or...maybe...just maybe I can get some serious sleep!!!

Karl told me he's flying out at 8 a.m. on Sunday for his big orthotics exam. Well, if anyone knows what Sunday is.... MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY and Karl won't even be here:( I'm totally bumming out, but I'm trying to tell myself that every day in my life is like Mother's Day! Ha!

Thankfully my parents will be with me and a couple of my girlfriends are coming over. I also scheduled an appointment next week to get my hair did (it's soooo long and all I do is pull it back in a ponytail) and an appointment to get my moles checked out and I'm glad my parents can watch Jackson so I can focus on the appointments instead of wondering when to feed him and where. I just read that 1 out of 5 people will be diagnosed with skin cancer. Scary! And I still remember all those tanning appointments before all three Proms in high school. Why, oh, why did I ever do that???

Saturday Karl and I had a 40th Wedding Anniversary party to go to for his godmother at Jax Cafe (total yum!). I was nervous as all get up because I'd be exposing Jackson to a lot of germs and the nurses told me to refrain from going anywhere until about four weeks since we're still at the end of flu season. And who isn't going to touch an adorable baby? I knew he'd be passed around a lot and not everyone is good at washing their hands and I was going on three hours of sleep, so I was extra anxious. Also, I knew I'd have to breastfeed, unless we stayed for about an hour. I knew that wouldn't be happening.

Karl, in a very non-sensitive tone (we're both tired these days), told me I better get over my fear of breastfeeding in public. Easier said than done, but sometimes I just need someone to tell me to get over it like that. Even if I'm emotionally fragile right now. Thankfully a friend had also texted me she breastfed FIVE times that same day in public and that I could do it too. I just needed to act confident. OK. That was my plan...confidence. So with that in mind, I wore heels. I didn't care if I towered over Karl. It's how I felt confident that night.

Soon Jackson was crying and everyone kept saying a million things to me at once... "He's hungry." "Did you feed him?" "Do you have a bottle?" "Are you going to the bathroom to feed him?" "Grandma wants to hold him." "Have you had grandma hold him?" "Give him to grandma." "You're going to save your cake, right? You're not throwing it away, are you? That's good frosting..."

I love this guy SO much!!!

Sweat started to form along my forehead. My heart pounded. My mouth became dry. Thankfully Karl stayed put next to me and people continued on their conversations as nothing was different and I tied on my Hooter Hider and slipped Jackson underneath. OK...it wasn't that easy. My hair was falling in my face, I couldn't see...I didn't have any pillows. BUT...I finally did it!!! YAY! 

I can cross that off my list!

I will say the night was actually fun and good for us to get out. It's not normal for us to go somewhere nice for dinner, so I'm glad we did!

I also have noticed I do have a little more time during the day...SOMEDAYS. I was able to send out 50-some thank you cards. I signed up for a Baby and Me class offered every week at St. Francis so I can get out of the house and meet some new moms and bring Jackson with. I was able to pay some bills and fill out some surveys the hospital sent our way. I took Jackson to Wal-Mart with me, though he started crying and I couldn't complete my list, but it was a start! I can empty out the dishwasher and every once in awhile I can cook. I even grilled out yesterday, but Jackson screamed his brains out the whole time since I had to set him down. The night time feedings aren't THAT bad anymore either...well, when I have enough sleep in me...

All in all, things are getting better. I can't WAIT for Karl to be done with school so we can share more of the responsibilities and be a better team.

Next post: The baby items we use the most!

Tweet

Read More

Surviving Motherhood Day by Day - Week 2

Week 2

I was hoping I'd be a little better at updating my blog with monumental moments in Jackson's life, but I guess I'm lucky if I can take a shower AND shave my legs under three minutes. Or eat breakfast and lunch with both hands. I will say I have quickly learned how to use my feet to pick up stuff around the house or how to take power naps when I can. It's kind of interesting how we adapt to a new environment and how easy it is to freak out when there is so much change.

Our little family

And that is my life right now. One big change.

It's crazy. I never understood what that meant when people said that my life would turn upside down, until now.

We officially survived the first two weeks and are entering our third week. Every day is getting better - there are still harder days than others and this is a challenge for me. Instead of averaging two hours of sleep, I have graduated to about four to five (hopefully I'm not speaking too soon). YAY! I feel like a new woman. Kind of.

I was walking home from Wal-Mart after picking up our second bag of 76-count Pamper Swaddlers for Newborns...I still can't believe how many diapers we go through and that they are $20 a pop!!! How much can one baby poop?? And I can't even believe I was so nervous to change a diaper before all this. I already feel like a pro. Anyway, I started thinking of where I was at that moment and who I've become in such a short amount of time. Every step I took, I realized I was then taking a step as a "mom". I wasn't just Christie anymore. I had a new identity - another new title. And it doesn't seem real. Yes, I was dressed in an old t-shirt and workout shorts, something I wore when I had so much freedom and I'd go play volleyball (oh, how simple life was then), but I wasn't that girl anymore. I was, and am, a mom now...and forever.

*Gulp*

It felt like I was walking in a tunnel and everything around me was spinning out of control. There I was a very new mom, scared out of her mind, wondering how life could change so much, so quickly. I have a baby now. The list of new responsibilities are endless. I was now going to Wal-Mart to pick up diapers. Where were the happy hours and the nights of volleyball and catching up on our television shows with Karl and making masterpiece healthy dinners? Where did that all go? Is this all really happening? Would I be waking up soon?

For a second I missed the old me (again). I have officially lost contact with the outside world. (OK. I did get my Breaking News email from People Magazine letting me know Jessica Simpson had a 9 lb 13 ounce girl.) I haven't been able to check into AOL or connect with friends as fast as I used to. I have to carve out time just to blog, and I NEED to blog. This is therapeutic for me. I'm not available as I once was and I think this is killing people as I hear about it quite frequently.

"You have time to update Facebook, but you don't have time to call me?"

*Enter guilt*

And let me tell you, people will lay the guilt on nice and thick. But I remind myself that these are the people who just don't get it - the ones who haven't been here yet.

Dad giving Jackson his first bath

I don't watch the morning news anymore. I never know what the temperature is outside or what the weekly forecast is. I don't know the day of the week and I've never felt time go so fast in my life. Honestly, time is flying. I don't even brush my hair or put on makeup.

Ponytail look again? Sure.

I'm lucky if I wash my face or change my clothes if I get peed on. I have been "hosed" by Jackson over a handful of times already. If I want a cocktail, I have to figure it in between feedings. And then I have to ask myself, is a drink even worth it? I have had to learn how to cook dinner with a screaming baby in one hand and sacrifice some of the healthier options for simplicity. And all that weight I was freaking about gaining? Not even a worry in my mind. Day four after giving birth and I was down 20 pounds. The next week I was down five more. But who cares because all I slip on are stretch pants or wear my pajama pants all day. I'm happy if I get a walk in. I considered yesterday a success because I was able to make chocolate banana bread and go for a walk. The day before that I was able to write three thank you cards.

Three.

I was able to complete 120 Christmas cards in 30 minutes in my old life while texting, Facebooking and doing the dishes. My new life I could only get to THREE cards with poor penmanship.

This is hard for me to swallow. I always considered myself a very efficient person who excelled at multi-tasking. And all I can do is feed Jackson, love him, play with him, cuddle him and go on walks with him. I know that's all I SHOULD be doing, but I feel like I'm not doing enough to keep the new me connected to the old me. That I need to do more, but I physically can't. So I watch CSI, and Jerseylicious and Guiliana and Bill and anything else I can watch to take my mind off of feeling guilty or to feel like I'm actually somewhat human.

I've begun to freak out about finances and am left wondering how we're going to pay the hospital bills coming in with me taking 12 weeks off work, with property taxes coming due and our car insurance and everything else that continues to add up. Thankfully my older brother was able to spare some frequent flyer miles so Karl wouldn't have to purchase a $800 plane ticket to take his final exam in a couple weeks. Will I have to start buying mac and cheese? Will I have to cancel my gym membership?

I've begun to think about day care and what I'm going to do when Jackson gets sick when I'm at work or our day care provider calls to say she can't watch Jackson because she or one of her kids is sick. What will I do then? How will I even know if Jackson is sick? How will I be? How will I balance work and being a mom and everything else when I could barely survive the first two weeks of his life? How can I leave Jackson in the care of someone else? Ugh! This kills me. But then I wonder how stay-at-home moms do it. Because the days are lonely being cooped up in a house with a baby. And that is my cue to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I can't watch another episode of Super Nanny or check Facebook every two minutes. But then I go back to breast feeding. Can I do it in public? Will I able able to handle the pressure? Can I do it without having My BrestFriend by my side?

And then I take a deep breath and remind myself that I still have to take each moment day by day or else my anxiety gets the best of me. I'm lucky to be here today. I'm lucky I gave birth to the most perfect little boy. Nobody can predict what tomorrow will bring. There are some crazy horrible things going on out there, so what am I complaining about?

The late night hours are the hardest. Breast feeding is still a challenge and I still think the feedings come waaaay too quick. Didn't I just feed you?? But I've survived as Jackson is gaining weight now and the doctor doesn't need to see him for two more months, but that doesn't mean b-feeding is all of a sudden easy. It takes work, time, lots of dedication. It's kind of a lonely moment for me. I see Karl sleeping soundly and part of me gets resentful and jealous. I never once felt those things before, but I'd be lying if I said they don't creep up inside me. I don't know if it's because I love sleep just as much and I haven't been getting enough so the crabby Christie comes out? Or I just know what a process breast feeding is? Maybe if it only took three minutes, I'd be OK with it...

Let's just say I can't wait until May 15 when Karl's school is ALL OVER WITH. This has been so hard with him working and trying to finish orthotics school with exams every weekend and papers to write and braces for legs to build. There isn't a whole lot of time for fun in Karl's life right now.

Jackson and I go for walks every day! One of my favorite parts.

Sometimes I get lucky and Karl will change the diaper quick and those are the nights that don't seem so bad. But usually I get up, change the diaper, feed Jackson and then hum. All I know to hum is Amazing Grace. I don't know why, but I like humming this to him - it makes me feel safe...like I'm back in 6th grade learning how to play the recorder...and for some reason I feel like Jackson likes it too.

Sometimes I struggle with trying to get Jackson back into sleep mode. He looks so content and sweet while he eats. He'll even pass out cold. But as soon as I move him, those beautiful blue eyes pop open and he's wide awake. We stare at each other and I wonder if he can feel how much I love him? I wonder if he can see the love in my eyes? Lots of times I'm too tired to speak, but I feel like he just knows. But I say, "I love you" out loud anyway because I know too many friends who never heard their parents say those words and that makes me very sad.

Every now and then I'll get lucky and can put him right in the bassinet and he's out. Other times it's hours before he'll close his eyes and I'm able to set him down. And these are the times I wonder how I'm going to survive all this. Can I really do this? How much longer will I last? When will this pass? Will life be like this for the next three months? Six? Nine? For the rest of my life? Will I ever sleep again? Will Karl and I go back to our tradition of crawling in bed together, reading and shutting off the lights? Now, I'm upstairs, downstairs, in bed, on the couch, in the nursery...anywhere where Jackson will fall asleep. And I miss Karl like crazy...even if he's sitting right next to me.

Umbilical cord fell off 15 days after Jackson was born!

But I can't help but smile when Jackson stares up at me, exploring this new world. I love him so much and each day that love grows and grows. And I keep saying all of this is worth it. All of it. We are so lucky we get to experience this and have such a healthy, wonderful boy - someone I can't wait to get to know. Who is this little boy going to become?

And then I realize I really am a mom. Because I worry. I over think everything. I over analyze. And I worry some more. And I love. I love to the point I have to question if this is just a taste of what God feels for us? What heaven must be like? And something deep inside me pushes me into the next day, inspiring me to keep going, to keep trying...to be the best mom I can be.

And then I do it all over again and every day it gets a little easier.  And I know I can do this.

Tweet

Read More

What to Expect When You Have No Idea What to Expect - Week 2

Oh. My. Frickin. God.

Yes, I've said that more than once over these past two weeks. What on earth just happened to my life? Who am I anymore?

While I was pregnant, I heard over and over the first two weeks are the hardest. I tried to shake it off. I tried to tell myself I was different, stronger...that I could handle more than most. Ummmm...who was I kidding? I'm here to admit that, yes, the first two weeks are hard.

Very hard.

But at the same time, very awesome too. My heart swells more every day. I stare at Jackson and love  him up any chance I get. I can't believe we made something so precious. But that's not to say there are moments where I want to hide under the sheets in bed.

Professional photo taken by Ali Hohn in Northfield, Minnesota

This little post is a reminder to myself a few years (months, etc) down the road when we start talking about baby number two. Just in case I forget the craziness of it all.

What to Expect When You Have NO CLUE What to Expect:

1. Sleep. What the F is that?
Remember that very first sleepover you went to when you were in grade school? Like...the really cool popular girls invited you and you felt cooler than cool? And you played silly games like kick the can and tried to hypnotize each other by saying, "stiff as a board, hard as a rock" and watched movies and ate junk food? And then stayed up all night? It was pretty awesome, right? Then you got home and crashed because your little body needed sleep - after all you had just put it through the ringer. Well, parenthood is kind of like that...but you don't ever get to fall asleep to catch up. Ever. You just keep going. And going. And going. Slumber party after slumber party, but this time you're changing poopy diapers and breastfeeding and pumping and leaking all over and soothing a wailing baby. And any chance you do get to sleep, you wake up and realize you get to do it all over again, but on even less sleep than the day before. It's pretty nuts how the body adjusts to very little sleep. This is probably the part that surprised me the most. Just how much little sleep the human body can still somewhat function off of.

2. Breastfeeding is no walk in the park
Breastfeeding is hard. Very hard. Thankfully I had some brave friends share their stories with me ahead of time, warning me that b-feeding isn't as easy as it looks. I also had a few friends plead with me that I just need to hang on for two to three weeks and things would get better.

I'll soon be entering week three, and things are FINALLY starting to get better in this department.

I was prepared for things to not go as planned, just so I wouldn't get so upset. Unfortunately, I sort of ended up with things not going so great. And with very little sleep and body parts not working, it's hard NOT to get upset and freaked out, and anxious.

Little Jackson had to go in for his weekly checkup and his weight was down. Rats. The doctor didn't like that at all so she sent me up to the lactation consultant. The lactation consultant (who Karl calls the breast whisperer and the Jane Goodall of boobies) and I became friends in the hospital. I used her expertise a lot just because I wanted to be the "star feeder". But we know how life is and that our plans doesn't always go as well as we planned.

Jackson is amazing. He sleeps a lot, as most newborns do. BUT, the minute his clothes come off. Forget it. I was having issues week one with Jackson screaming his brains out when we'd undress him and put him skin to skin on me and tried getting him to latch. I couldn't stand him being so hungry and unwilling to latch. So into the breast whisper's office I went. We spent a couple hours getting a plan down. I thought we had it down, until the scale said otherwise. And the doctor wasn't having that. Crap.

The doctor insisted I come in AGAIN to get Jackson weighed within 24 hours but she wanted me to feed and then pump and save. Say what? And then do whatever the breast whisperer wanted. Say what? More of my efforts needed???

After sitting with the breast whisperer for another two hours, the plan was to feed Jackson for 45 minutes, then I had to pump and feed him 1 ounce of my milk, THEN I had to pump and save milk for after. This whole process took about an hour and 45 minutes at one sitting. Now, all moms know that you must feed a baby every 2 to 3 hours, eight to 12 times a day. And babies don't always just fall asleep...there is coaxing and rocking and then I'd finally get to pumping. So....where does sleep fit in? You do the math.

It doesn't.

My anxiety levels were through the roof. Sleep? Non existent. And I was so scared I'd have to stop and formula feed Jackson. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I just really wanted him to breastfeed for as long as possible. Ten days just doesn't seem like enough.

Then I went to get professional pictures taken of Jackson and they needed me to feed him so he was easier to photograph. Crap. The four women in the room would have to see how bad I was at breastfeeding. They'd JUDGE me and tell me I sucked! But little ol' me...the one who's always been shy of her lil' ol chest, bared all. And in no time I had four women tending to my fears and worries...offering up advice and suggestions, tying back my hair, rubbing my back that everything would be OK. So we got some awesome pictures and I got some piece of mind too! Nice little therapy session.

Anyway, after following doctor's orders and emailing the breast whisperer and talking to her on the phone and crying to Karl a lot, I took Jackson in today and he is up 4 ounces!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM IN THE CLEAR.

Moral of the story: Breastfeeding is HARD WORK.

3. There is NO Crying in Motherhood. Ha!
Let's see... I have cried to the home health care nurse that came by. My mom. My dad. Karl. I cried at a Pampers diaper commercial. I cried at a country song I've heard numerous times. I just cry.

My emotions are out of control. I rarely ever cried in my old life. My husband once asked me if I had a soul since tears didn't come easily. I bet he takes that back now. I can't help it. I just cry. Sometimes I freak myself out so much because it feels like I've completely lost myself and my "old" life. But, each day...things get better and better and better. And I wouldn't share this if I didn't think it was NORMAL.

4. THANK GOD for Girlfriends
Honestly... I am SO grateful for my girlfriends, especially the ones who have been through this or are also nursing and texting me at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 a.m. cheering me on. I don't feel so alone. Or I love the ones who openly share what a struggle motherhood was for them at the beginning too. Then I know I'm not alone! My advice: find some g-friends going through the same thing and let it all out. Just let it out. Nobody is judging. It's like WE KNOW the secret voices going on in your head. It's OK!

5. Halo-lujah
Whoever invited the Halo Sleepsack is awesome. We wrap Jackson in this and he's out. He loves being all bundled up. And to go with that, The Happiest Baby on The Block book has been spot on so far. Swaddle, Shhhing, Swinging, Sucking, Side holding. Works like a charm. That, and marching up and down the stairs thanks to my stair stepper addiction during pregnancy. Or sticking a finger in Jackson's mouth to suck on.

6. The Books Aren't Always Right
I struggle with this. Everyone is saying 8-12 feedings a day, no pacifier until 4 weeks, no bottle until 3-4 weeks, etc., etc., etc.Talk about information overload. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Dude. Right now I'm at the point where enough is enough. I'm going off what I feel and what Jackson needs. It's too much to follow a book to perfection.

7. Limiting Visitors
HOLY MOLY. People will be chomping at the bit to see your little one. Be prepared. It may become very overwhelming, especially if there are struggles with feedings and such. The hospital warned us about this, but I never realized how crazy it would really become. One thing I did hear is just shut your phone off. That is a bit hard for me, but I can see how that becomes good advice.

8. Day by Day
Yes, this is the greatest piece of advice I've received. Take each day...even hour...minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Jackson is only going to be this little for a short while. I need to enjoy him and not all the worries and fears. I need to LIVE!

Anything that shocked you as a new mother?

Tweet

Read More

Welcome to the World Jackson James Koester - Day 3

My Labor Journey

Our son Jackson James Koester entered the world on Sunday, April 15 at 4:30 p.m. He weighed 8 pounds, 3 ounces and was 21 inches long. He came out perfect. And that's one thing I remember saying over and over again when he was handed to me. "He is perfect!"

Jackson's Labor Story
Thursday, April 12
Karl and I both got home from work and decided to go on a walk. It ended up being a lot longer than I thought. I had to start shortening my walks to only around the block. I could do stair climber just fine, but walking killed me. But Karl's dad called and they talked for a long time and we both decided we still needed some time to talk to one another about our days and whatever fears we were having before the baby came, so we went a total of a few miles. When we got home, I felt sore. I thought I overdid it.

Friday, April 13 (yes Friday the 13th)
I woke up and headed into work. I heard a lot of..."Let's hope your baby isn't born on Friday the 13th! Not a good day."

Not funny to me. I was crabby. I was also tired and very very very sore. I slept like crap. But the Friday before I was crabby too. I think I was just giving my all to get everything done at work, that when Fridays came, I could barely focus I was so dead tired. I noticed every time I stood up or got out of my chair, pain shot through me. Everything hurt and it seemed everyone needed something from me. It was hard to keep it together.

I headed home and Karl was all excited for my brother Mike to get home so they could have a couple of drinks. He also brought home Papa Murphy's pizza. The three of us talked a lot about anything and everything and had a bunch of laughs, but I felt very tired again and headed over to the couch. I hated leaving all the fun, but I just wanted to sit down. Mike and Karl headed over in the living room to join me. We continued to talk...they continued to drink... And all of a sudden around 9 p.m., I felt my first shot of pain zap through my body. "Ouch!" I yelled.

Mike looked at me. Like he just knew. Karl laughed and said, "Braxton Hicks babe. Braxton Hicks."

I didn't think Braxton Hicks felt like that. This pain was different. It was like someone grabbed hold of my ovaries with a rope and was trying to pull them out through a pin hole. But it went away pretty quick.

30 minutes later... Bam! Same pain. "Ouch!" I yelled again.

Mike looked at me again. "What?"

"I felt something again."

"Yep, baby is coming tomorrow," said Mike.

"No way," I said.

Karl chimes in, "Braxton Hicks babe. Braxton Hicks."

Two more times the pain came and went and I headed up to bed. Nothing. Phew. Must've been nothing. Maybe Karl was right....

Saturday, April 14
2:18 in the morning and I jumped awake. "OUCH!" The pain was back again and this time a whole lot more intense. My intuition took over and I grabbed a pad of paper and a pen and watched the clock. Nine minutes came, same bit of pain hit and lasted for 30 seconds. For the next four hours the pain came and went like clockwork. Always nine minutes apart, lasting 30 seconds. The body is truly something amazing. But let's  just say I didn't sleep. I don't think Karl slept a whole lot either, enough where he got out of bed and studied for his school exam coming up and paid a bunch of bills and then took his exam.

Part of me was so thankful it was Saturday and I thought in my sleepless state of mind I could sleep the rest of the day. Right. The clock hit six and the contractions became stronger. A lot stronger and a whole bunch closer together. I found a couple of books from the classes we took and read through them. All of them said I had to wait for the contractions to be 3-5 minutes apart and for them to be about a minute in length. I became nervous when they went down to 7 minutes apart, then 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and then back up to the point they were 5 minutes apart for a good steady 30 minutes and then back to 9 minutes they went. And remained that way allllllll day and afternoon.

So I did laundry. I put clothes away. I'd have a contraction up the stairs on the toilet over the bed. We both made sure we had everything together and ready. Karl insisted I call my parents. I did. They were going back and forth on if they should leave and head up - I don't think any of us could believe this was really happening. I could barely talk to my mom on the phone when a contraction came. And when people started calling, I couldn't even imagine talking to anyone. I WAS IN PAIN! I avoided picking up the phone all together.

When Karl felt like he was all organized, he pushed me to call the hospital. I talked to the nurse on staff and told her I was dying but knew my contractions had to be 3-5 minutes apart. I also made the mistake of telling her I was doing laundry. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. She didn't know I'm a freak of nature that way. I keep busy to keep my mind off pain. She told me I had to wait for my contractions to be 3 minutes apart for TWO HOURS and I had to be in serious pain!!! But I was!!!

Was she kidding!?!??!?

Two hours came and went of 5 minute contractions lasting over one minute. Karl went up to take a nap. I tried to deal with the pain. I sat on my exercise ball. I tried walking around. I couldn't do anything anymore but die. Karl suggested we walk to DQ to get dinner. Part of me thought he was crazy, but part of me knew what he was doing. I thought it was going to be impossible, but I've heard of so many people who go out walking to get things moving further along. I got as far as 20 feet and almost collapsed in the grass. I told Karl I couldn't do it. So I turned around. Another one hit. And as I was headed up the stairs, another one. This time the contractions felt like a thousand pound steel block being unloaded full force on my ovaries, then being squashed.

Moments before we headed out. Last pic - April 14 at 39 weeks

I tried to eat my dinner, but I couldn't. I was beyond uncomfortable. Karl called the hospital again after taking record of my contractions for an hour and told the nurse, "NO, her contractions aren't three minutes apart but she is beyond uncomfortable. They are five minutes again." We were told to come in, but needed to know that I might be sent back home. How?? Could they at least give me something for the pain? There was no way I'd be able to survive another night feeling this way.

I was sure I was dilated 10 cm and the baby's head was going to fall out.

And we're off!!

When we pulled up to the hospital, Karl had to wheel me in. I couldn't even walk. I was so embarrassed. Finally we made it to the Birthing Unit and I signed some papers. Sweat was pouring off me. I was hooked up and checked. And let me just say getting checked isn't the most pleasant feeling in the world. Ouch.

"You are one centimeter dilated. We'd usually send someone home..." The nurse looked at me.

"SAY WHAT!?!?!? ONE!?!?" I wanted to cry. Or die. There was no way I could make it back home. No way I could deal with the pain anymore.

Nurse could see the look on my face - and thankfully saw me go through a series of contractions. "Actually you're doctor is on call. I'll bring him in and have him decide."

He came in. I was relieved to see him because I wanted him to deliver our baby, but knew our chances were about 20 percent. Luck was on our side. He took one look at me and said, "You are in labor. I can see that."

Thank you! Thank you!!!

"We'll admit you."

Thank you! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I looked at the nurse. "Now, what can I do about the pain? 1 cm!?!?!? And I have to go to 10?? How will I handle?"

She grabbed my hand. "Honey, what's going on here? You are tense and look scared. Tell me what's going on?"
I don't know how I didn't bawl but I bit my lip and said, "I'm scared of everything."

"You have to let that all go. It's going to be okay, but you have major anxiety going on." She gave me some options. All I wanted was the epidural but she said it might be too early. She gave me a shot of something that made me think of the time I drank a whole bunch of beer and smoked a cigarette (like my second time smoking....ever....gross). I felt buzzed and loopy. She had me jump in the bath and lit some candles. I had this whole aromatherapy thing set up. My tall body couldn't fit in the tub very well, but I will say the warm water felt great. And this is when all modesty went out the window. I didn't care who saw me and my extra 35 pounds. The shot of medicine wouldn't take away the pain but it would at least calm me down. It worked for what felt maybe 30 minutes but those darn contractions still took over. I got another shot. Didn't do as much. I needed more.

The nurse looked at me again. "You know...being you're going through this for the first time and it usually takes longer, I think we should do the epidural."

I wanted to hug her.

The epidural came. Supposedly I was the fastest one they ever did. I guess I have a long back or something. I was always nervous about a needle going through my back, but it's not so bad. Felt three more strong contractions and then NOTHING!!!!! OMG!! I wanted to cry and rejoice. I told everyone I could in our room I was going to write the person who invented the epidural a thank you card. I loved him/her.

Sunday, April 15
I don't know how many hours later... many...many...many... I was told I was dilated to six. YES! I was able to sleep a few hours. THANK GOD. I was going on empty. Doctor came in around 9:30 Sunday morning and checked me. He said I was only a 4 and he didn't know where 6 came from. The baby's head hadn't moved down anymore. He wished he had broken my water the night before.

WTF!

So he broke my water. This is the part Karl thought was the grossest. I didn't know what was going on. Couldn't feel much, but I knew there was a lot of water because the doctor kept saying, "Oh wow. Oh wow. That is a lot of water. Jeez. This is a lot of water. Baby will be moving now."

Nurses would come in and out and check me. I started to feel my left ovary tense and pressure down low. The nurse suggest I bump my epidural. I never thought I would. Then she looked at me and said, "You have to push yet honey."

Pushing. Ahh, yes. I had yet to do that. For some reason there isn't a ton said about pushing but all the while I was getting text messages from friends saying, "Remember to breathe during pushing. You can do it." My friend Sheila told me it's a bit hard. How can it be hard, I wondered. Now I know.

I bumped. And bumped. And bumped the epidural so much that they had to put in a whole new bag! The nurse said she never had to do that before. Uh-oh.

Then the shakes began. Major shakes. Major. I couldn't lay still. Karl's parents and sister arrived and came in. My mother in law tried patting me down and massaging me so I could stop but nothing was working. I was checked and was dilated to 7. Then was told Mike was coming in before he had to fly out for work. This is when the out of body experience kicked in. I didn't even feel like me. Karl and Mike talked and I just kept thinking...what was going on here? I'm going to be a mom. I'm really going through this. But am I? Who am I? Is this really happening?

Totally whacked out goofy.

Then I was checked again. I was a 10. OMG. Mike left and I was told I'd begin pushing. Then I was told that usually pushing lasts about 3 hours for first time moms. I almost cried, but Karl reminded me I told everyone in the room I loved them. OK...

A mirror was wheeled over and set up so I could see what was going on down there. I gave my first set of three pushes. And saw just a little piece of the head. To me it looked funny. Like it was the world's smallest head. I couldn't quite comprehend how the baby would come out and where. I saw the videos but this was me. This was different.

A few more pushes and I felt like my head was going to pop off, eyeballs were going to roll out of the sockets or a few blood vessels would jump out of my neck. Karl said my face was as red as a Coke can. But every part of me was like...dude you better do this. You workout. You can handle.

Then I saw the outline of the head pressing through my skin. OMG. OMG. OMG. I was going to push that giant round object through what small space!?!?!? But seeing this was good. I knew it was only going to be a few more pushes when the doctor came in and the nurse said, "Girl, you are a champ at this pushing. You're going to have this kid out fast."

I had to skip a few contractions until our doctor could get on his gloves. And then the real fun began.

The pressure. Intense. The moment. Surreal. The pain...oh, I felt it. Even after all those epidural pumps. I was one push away from throwing up. I thought, how can I do this? I don't want to do this. OUCH! But I cheered myself on. I said, "Christie come on! You CAN DO THIS!" Karl laughed, but it's what I needed.

Moments before the nurses, Karl and doctors were sharing funny stories and they weren't very funny to me at the time. I wanted baby out.

One last push and baby came out alright at 4:30 p.m. 50 full minutes of pushing. Thirty eight and a half hours later from my first contraction on Saturday morning!

And all the pain, fear, worry, anxiety, sleep deprivation, etc., didn't matter when I saw our little guy. My heart melted.  

Karl cried, "It's a boy." We both bawled and I held Jackson to my chest and melted. He IS PERFECT!!!!!!!

The nurses cried and hugged both of us. It was so emotional. So wonderful. So perfect. Then I think I told everyone I loved them again.

More to come on the rest. I have a baby to feed. Life has changed in a way I never could've prepared for. Wow. A lot more to come on this. Oh, how things can change in an instant.

Tweet

Read More

Favorite Maternity Photos - Month 9

39 weeks

We received our awesome maternity photos back from our friends Sam and Shannon Storie, who also took our wedding pictures! We love how the pictures turned out and I wanted to share some of our faves.

Love all of these!!!

Tweet

Read More

My Freak Out Moment - Month 9

39 weeks

Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath. (babycenter.com)

My growing belly...now at 39 weeks!

Major Meltdown Alert!

OK, I had my major meltdown. I hear this is pretty common for first-time moms. Thank goodness.
I was feeling like there was something wrong with me for a second.

So there I was watching an older episode of CSI (it had nothing to do with babies). In fact there were a lot of guns and a helicopter crash and blood...who knows what else. All I know is the episode ended with one of the CSI detectives holding back her tears and finally letting them out when someone put their arm around her. For some reason that scene resonated with me at the moment and I burst into tears.

I've been so good emotionally these past nine months, enough where Karl even said..."I can't believe how normal you've been through this whole pregnancy thing."

(Just wait until delivery...right? Ha! He's going to see a whole new Christie.)

Even a coworker said, "You are the happiest, bubbliest pregnant person I've ever seen in my life."

No crying. No freaking out at Karl. No flying off the handle at work. But the moment that CSI scene ended it was like reality hit. I was going to be a mom very soon and I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it.  Was I really ready for it? Would I ever be ready for it? Could I turn back time? What was I ever thinking?? Every possible thought came washing over me. My routines were going to change. I couldn't just get in my car and go or do whatever I wanted whenever. It wouldn't be just me and Karl anymore. Would I even be able to sit on the couch and watch TV like I was? Would I ever read books again? Will I be able to do it all? How much juggling would I be able to do before I reach my limit? It seemed like the list of responsibilities coming soon were just too much to handle.

Then the weirdest thing happened. A song started playing in my head. A church song. I don't know why or where it came from since I can't really remember church songs. It's the one that goes.... "Do not be afraid, I am with you." And it kept playing and playing and all of a sudden I was fine. The panic was still there, but it was like someone wrapped their arms around me and whispered in my ear, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I had nothing to be fearful about.

It's hard to compare what the feeling is like. And I'll feel horrible if one day our child is reading this thinking...my mom didn't want me. Oh man, I do!! I so do. It's just so darn scary...all of it. I have no training. No knowledge of diaper changing or holding infants or adjusting to something like this. I'm not really friendly and bubbly when I get less than six hours of sleep...

I guess it's almost like starting a new job. In a strange way. I mean, we're at our jobs most of our days and when you start over fresh at a new place with new people, new responsibilities, goals, personalities, it's scary. You're not sure what to expect or aren't sure if you'll even like it. Did you make the right decision? The comfort of your old job sounds so much better because you're familiar with it. And you second guess yourself. But more times than not, the decision ends up being a really good one. Change is good. It's refreshing. It allows us to grow as people. It allows us to see what we are made of and how much more we can really take on. Why do we limit ourselves? Why do we get comfortable and chose to stay that way?

And maybe in the end the job isn't your dream job, but at least your eyes have been open to what it is you really want out of life, and you're one step closer to something amazing. And you push yourself to get there! That's what I call cool.

So yeah...that was my freak out moment.

But then I did realize I hadn't worked out for a few days and the anxiety kept building. Last night I hit the gym and felt like a whole new person. I can do this. I want to do this. It's really going to happen. So part of this post is a reminder to myself to workout when I can because it really is my happy drug. I need those endorphins. Even if I'm tired and crabby, get to the gym!! Get a work out in, even if it's 20 minutes. Just do it!

And here's a fun little Easter picture of the Koester family! This picture reminds me how important family is to me. I love family. I love spending time with family. And I want my own little family and to keep it going and going...and going... Just think where that might lead? Awesomeness.

Tweet

Read More