Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Freak Out Moment - Month 9

39 weeks

Your baby's waiting to greet the world! He continues to build a layer of fat to help control his body temperature after birth, but it's likely he already measures about 20 inches and weighs a bit over 7 pounds, a mini watermelon. (Boys tend to be slightly heavier than girls.) The outer layers of his skin are sloughing off as new skin forms underneath. (babycenter.com)
My growing belly...now at 39 weeks!

Major Meltdown Alert!

OK, I had my major meltdown. I hear this is pretty common for first-time moms. Thank goodness.
I was feeling like there was something wrong with me for a second.

So there I was watching an older episode of CSI (it had nothing to do with babies). In fact there were a lot of guns and a helicopter crash and blood...who knows what else. All I know is the episode ended with one of the CSI detectives holding back her tears and finally letting them out when someone put their arm around her. For some reason that scene resonated with me at the moment and I burst into tears.

I've been so good emotionally these past nine months, enough where Karl even said..."I can't believe how normal you've been through this whole pregnancy thing."

(Just wait until delivery...right? Ha! He's going to see a whole new Christie.)

Even a coworker said, "You are the happiest, bubbliest pregnant person I've ever seen in my life."

No crying. No freaking out at Karl. No flying off the handle at work. But the moment that CSI scene ended it was like reality hit. I was going to be a mom very soon and I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it.  Was I really ready for it? Would I ever be ready for it? Could I turn back time? What was I ever thinking?? Every possible thought came washing over me. My routines were going to change. I couldn't just get in my car and go or do whatever I wanted whenever. It wouldn't be just me and Karl anymore. Would I even be able to sit on the couch and watch TV like I was? Would I ever read books again? Will I be able to do it all? How much juggling would I be able to do before I reach my limit? It seemed like the list of responsibilities coming soon were just too much to handle.

Then the weirdest thing happened. A song started playing in my head. A church song. I don't know why or where it came from since I can't really remember church songs. It's the one that goes.... "Do not be afraid, I am with you." And it kept playing and playing and all of a sudden I was fine. The panic was still there, but it was like someone wrapped their arms around me and whispered in my ear, telling me everything was going to be just fine. I had nothing to be fearful about.

It's hard to compare what the feeling is like. And I'll feel horrible if one day our child is reading this thinking...my mom didn't want me. Oh man, I do!! I so do. It's just so darn scary...all of it. I have no training. No knowledge of diaper changing or holding infants or adjusting to something like this. I'm not really friendly and bubbly when I get less than six hours of sleep...

I guess it's almost like starting a new job. In a strange way. I mean, we're at our jobs most of our days and when you start over fresh at a new place with new people, new responsibilities, goals, personalities, it's scary. You're not sure what to expect or aren't sure if you'll even like it. Did you make the right decision? The comfort of your old job sounds so much better because you're familiar with it. And you second guess yourself. But more times than not, the decision ends up being a really good one. Change is good. It's refreshing. It allows us to grow as people. It allows us to see what we are made of and how much more we can really take on. Why do we limit ourselves? Why do we get comfortable and chose to stay that way?

And maybe in the end the job isn't your dream job, but at least your eyes have been open to what it is you really want out of life, and you're one step closer to something amazing. And you push yourself to get there! That's what I call cool.

So yeah...that was my freak out moment.

But then I did realize I hadn't worked out for a few days and the anxiety kept building. Last night I hit the gym and felt like a whole new person. I can do this. I want to do this. It's really going to happen. So part of this post is a reminder to myself to workout when I can because it really is my happy drug. I need those endorphins. Even if I'm tired and crabby, get to the gym!! Get a work out in, even if it's 20 minutes. Just do it!

And here's a fun little Easter picture of the Koester family! This picture reminds me how important family is to me. I love family. I love spending time with family. And I want my own little family and to keep it going and going...and going... Just think where that might lead? Awesomeness.


You could be the cutest pregnant person I've ever seen. Hang in there, momma. You're almost done! And its true you are WAAAYY normal. Haha, my poor husband!

I love this post! Reading it brought me back to those final days when I was realizing that life was about to drastically change, everything I knew about my life up 'till that point was going to disappear; I wasn't going to be Melissa anymore - I was about to be "that kid's mom." I was petrified that I was about to loose my idenity, and gain one that I wasn't sure I was qualified for.
Then came labor. "This is it" I remember thinking. There was no turning back! I was about to be a mother to something that needed more than just water once a week, and it's pot turned toward the sunlight occasionally when it stated to wilt.

Fast foward a few hours, and I was on an operating table. I remember being cold, and feeling like they were trying to toss me on the floor as they worked to get my baby out. Then something happened. I heard them say the baby was out, and it's a boy, but he wasn't crying. Suddenly I wasn't concerned about me or my abilities anymore. The only thing that mattered was hearing him cry. I needed to hear him cry. OH GOD! I'm sorry for every time I questioned You! Please Cry.

You know me, and you know that my angel cried. The most beautiful sound I have ever heard even to this day. What I'm getting to is this: no one is ever ready, and everyone questions thier decision to make the big step, but all the pieces will come together when they say "He's here!" and you hear your baby cry, and you; without even really thinking about it suddenly reset every priority and belief you ever had.
That is when you start making all that you thought was impossible possible, and that is when you learn how to live your new life, and make every inconveicence work out.

Then one day you'll put that baby (now 7) to bed, you read him his story and say his prayers. You'll be sitting with your laptop telling another expectant mother your story :) It goes fast, and you'll realize that what you worried about in the begining was nothing compared to what you're faced with now, and realize that in 7 more years even the monsterous things you feared then were miniscule.

You'll be great! Karl too. You both are amazing, and I know the THREE of you will have an amazing life together!

God Bless you!

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