Friday, August 5, 2011

Get Your Foot in the Door Writing Contest

10:33 AM  ,  16 comments
Fun Writing Contest Judged by Sourcebook Editors!
I'm participating in another writing blog contest! This is hosted by the ever-so-fabulous Gabi Lessa - one of my critique partners in crime (she always has the coolest contests). And do note that there is still time for you to sign up for the contest (ends Tuesday, August 9, 2011) if you have a completed manuscript, so go to her blog!

Below is my entry. I'd love any feedback I can get before I submit on Tuesday.

Thanks and best of luck to everyone.

---------------------------------------------------

Name: Christie Koester
Title: Wanted: Groom for my $100K Wedding
Genre: Contemporary Women's Fiction
Manuscript word count: 85,000
Judge: Deb Werksman - One of the amazing four Sourcebook's editors

One-sentence pitch: (No more than 30 words)
I have three to start and I need your help telling me which one you like the best out of them all, please!!! Do any of them grab you?

1. When a heartbroken and single 35-year-old wins a $75K dream wedding, she has eight weeks and no groom, and a strategy bigger than her heart can handle.

2. When a heartbroken and single 35-year-old wins a $75K dream wedding, she has eight weeks to find a groom and plan her wedding—and learn about love along the way.

3. When a heartbroken 35-year-old wins a $75K wedding, she has everything to make her fairytale a reality in eight weeks—except the groom—and begins the biggest journey of all.

First paragraph: (Enter your first paragraph. If your first paragraph is shorter than 25 words, you may enter your first two paragraphs, as long as the second paragraph is not over 100 words.)

The cellist plays the first strings of Canon in D, causing my heart to race against my chest like a boxer high on adrenaline. I close my eyes the minute the organist presses the keys and I inhale the heavy scents of sweat pea and cologne filling the sanctuary. Memories awaken of being a little girl twirling in a wedding gown ten sizes too big about to walk down the aisle at Gram’s church. She, practicing at the organ every Saturday morning, a makeshift bouquet of origami roses in my hands, and my best friend Tony drowning in Gramp’s blue suit, waiting for me. And the promise he made years later.

That's all! Let me know what you think and if I need to change things up.

16 comments:

I like the third pitch best. I'm not liking the last sentence of your paragraph, it's a bit too complicated and hard to follow. Also, throughout, I'm confused as to 'when' this is. Present? Flashback? Flashfoward? perhaps the last sentence (indicating past) could make it clearer.

The title is too long and too complicated. Shorten it to "Wanted: Groom"

The pitch could be stronger if you'd include a few more specifics. To me, heartbroken excludes wedding-plans, so there should be something about that in the sentence. And you can change the word-order a bit to get more room. My suggestion: "When a heartbroken 35-year-old single wins a dream wedding, she has eight weeks to find the perfect groom and to mend her heart for the one love she didn't expect."

The first paragraph is well written and grabs my attention. Well done. The only drawback I see is that you start with a flashback. That might be problematic because we're not yet settled into the scene. Is she in a church? Is it a wedding or a normal service? Why does the air smell of sweat peas? But maybe those questions will be answered in the next para. I'd definitely read on to find out.

Good points! Thanks ladies!!!!!!

It's in present day. She's standing up in her best friend's wedding - a guy. :)

I like number 1 the best! But I would change, "and a strategy" to "but a strategy up her sleeve" or something like that. They're all great Christie! Good Luck!

I like the first one- especially the 'and a strategy bigger than her heart can handle' part.

I also like your first paragraph, particularly how sensory it is, but it does feel more like to paragraphs with the flashback added in.

THANK YOU THANK YOU for your thoughts on my pitch. I stuck that mess together right before I posted and really had no idea how to write it. I'm definitely going to rewrite with your thoughts in mind :)

I like #3 and the paragraph is great.

I do have 1 question... Being the #'s person I am... The title has 100k wedding but the write ups say 75k... Is the 100k just rounding up? Sorry... Dorky engineer type here ;). But you know I think your writing is awesome as always!

Ernnnnn!!! My little engineer friend! Maybe the wedding goes up in price somewhere in the story...:) :) :) Could you imagine?? I'd have three wedding gowns for sure. Ha! Some day we'll be planning your wedding!!! But I'm sure it'll be in some awesome exotic location.

3rd Pitch ROCKS and I'd buy this on that blurb alone. Well done and good luck!

I like the second pitch the best. Looks like I'm the minority on that. You might even shorted it to:

"When a heartbroken and single 35-year-old wins a $75K dream wedding, she has eight weeks to find a groom and plan her wedding"

I thought the first paragraph was really well done.

I like the first pitch the best and the paragraph, but the final sentence sort of bogs it down.
"She, practicing at the organ every Saturday morning, a makeshift bouquet of origami roses in my hands, and my best friend Tony drowning in Gramp’s blue suit, waiting for me. And the promise he made years later."

Are she, me, and my the same person? It doesn't flow as well as the rest of the paragraph for me.

Cheers!

I also liked the third pitch best but the last phrase seems awkward. Maybe try "When a heartbroken 35-year-old wins a $75K wedding, she has everything to make her fairytale a reality in eight weeks—except the groom—and that is where her journey begins." I don't know....

I had a problem with the first image (though I liked it). The heart racing "against my chest" seemed off, thumping against my chest, yes, but racing against it, no. How about, "The cellist plays the first strings of Canon in D, causing my heart to race like I'm a boxer high on adrenaline." I agree with the other suggestions above, as well, but would add that you paint a pretty picture here with vivid imagery. Good luck! -mj

I like both 1 and 3. But I think one needs some tightening. Like get rid of " and single", and the "and" before "no groom" since I think that makes it feel more fast paced. However, I do think the endings of both are too vague like the first example gabi gave on her blog with that Julia Roberts movie.

I get what you said about the money going up, but I still wonder if you should just put 100K in the pitch too somehow. I dunno up to you. :)

But overall, I think you've done a great job with either of those two pitches!

I liked the first paragraph descriptions. But I didn't feel grounded with where we were. Like the others said, I didn't know if this was a flashback or what. Could you somehow make it more clear that she's at a friend's wedding sooner?

This sounds like a fun story and I remember reading an excerpt before. Great writing and unique premise! I LOVE that she has no groom. :) Good job!

I like the third pitch best and your opener. It sets the scene well. The last sentence ("And the promise he made years later.") confused me briefly, because the previous two sentences describe her childhood memory. Perhaps you might rephrase it to remind the reader that the promise he made years later was on her mind.

It sounds like a great story. I'd love to see how it develops.

The pitches confused me, actually, since the title says 100K wedding and the pitch says 75K. Aside from that, I like the first one best.

The opening was nice. Could picture it easily and made me feel for the character.

Good luck!

Hi there!

I like the first pitch (without the "and" before "no groom") and the second pitch, because they're the clearest to me. However, I think you should either change the title to $75K, or change the pitch to $100K. It doesn't matter which one you change, because you don't get into it in the first paragraph (and I hear what you're saying about the amount getting larger in the book, but if she requests pages, you can explain it then). They need to match here though, otherwise you look like you don't know what your own book is about.

As far as your first paragraph goes, I agree that the second-to-last sentence needs a change-up. All the pronouns and commas feel a little clunky. Maybe something like: "Memories awaken of being a little girl twirling in a wedding gown ten sizes too big about to walk down the aisle at Gram’s church: Gram practicing at the organ every Saturday morning, a makeshift bouquet of origami roses in my hands, and my best friend Tony drowning in Gramp’s blue suit, waiting for me." Without the extra pronoun "she" it's clearer what you're talking about and who is doing what.

GREAT last line - it makes me want to know more about her and her best friend!

I keep meaning to write all of you and say THANK YOU for all your input and advice. Darn blogger wouldn't let me do that yesterday. Anyway, you all helped me tons! Thank you!!!!

Post a Comment