Monday, March 21, 2011

Show Me the Voice Contest

I'm participating in another writing contest! Over the years I've been somewhat lucky at winning things. Let's see, I've won a vacuum, a bunch of expensive perfume (I guessed the right amount of gumballs), a diamond ring, the Bride Wars writing competition at Mall of America, a month of free town home association dues... But getting an agent to look over my stuff will be one of the greatest prizes of all if it gets me that much closer to becoming a published author!!!

With that said, below is the first 250 words of my manuscript! You'll see some changes from the last contest I was in (first 312 words). I realized how important those first few paragraphs are when it comes to getting a manuscript reviewed and did some revising. Here goes nothing!  Please feel free to critique. It'll only help me get better.

Want to play? Participate in Show me the Voice.

Name: Christie Koester
Title: Wanted: Groom for My $100K Wedding
Genre: Women's Fiction/Contemporary Romance

I rest my head against the bathroom's mahogany door, inhaling freedom. The aroma of Ivory soap and sweet pea awaken memories of being a little girl, twirling in a wedding gown ten sizes too big in Gram’s pink powder room, my best friend Tony drowning in Gramp’s blue suit. And the promise he made.

“Promise my ass,” I mumble and swallow the last bit of hope as I make my way over to the vanity. If only I had my BlackBerry, I could tweet instead…

Streaks of mascara and eyeliner run down my cheeks like mud on a rain-infused windshield. Instead of taking fingers to my cheeks like wipers, I allow my hands to thaw under a waterfall of hot water, leaving dark watermarks over my cobalt blue bridesmaid dress. Will Tammy throw a fit? I’ve never met such a demanding bride; one who marries my best friend.

The sound of a woman’s voice causes me to jump. “If you’re going to have your wedding in January, you might as well go to Mexico. Not Minnesota.”

I’m surprised by the smile growing on my face and crane my neck in the direction of the stalls. She’s right.

“What Tony and Tammy needed to do was sign up for the big trend wedding that one magazine is giving away. I hear it being advertised all the time on the radio,” adds another matter-of-factly. “If I’m not mistaken, I think it’s a seventy-five thousand dollar wedding too.”

I freeze. Wait. What?


Just a few things that jumped out at me: if you mean Ivory soap, it should be capitalized as a brand name. Otherwise, I thought, does ivory have a smell?

Maybe this line should be: I’ve never met a more demanding bride than the one marrying my best friend.

I do like your last sentence, because we're left wondering if she's reacting to the cost of the current wedding, or to the contest wedding.

Good luck with the contest!

Christie, you've got me completely hooked in these first 250 words. Your use of senses brought me into the story.

I was genuinely sad when the 250 words were over.

For some reason, I got snagged on the sentence, "What Tony and Tammy..." For some reason I kept trying to stick in the word all instead of what. After I read it a few times though, it made sense.

Wow, great job! The details and descriptions are wonderful, and you did a really nice job hooking the reader! Good luck to you, nicely done!

Thanks so much ladies! This helps a ton!!! Good luck to you all as well!!

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