The Ease of Just One - Week 3

"Enjoy the Ease of Just One"

I heard that all the time when I let the cat out of the bag that we were expecting number two. 

Hearing this over and over got old really quick. But I can tell you, I GET IT now.

I will say this. Going from no kids to one was 1000 times harder on me than going from one to two. No question about it. 

Everyone is different though because all the moms I ran into at the parks kept telling me I was in for a treat. I had no idea what was coming. Two was extremely hard (yet, one for them was a breeze. Not here!). This scared the crap out of me. Could it really get harder??

I totally understand now what all these moms meant by the "ease of one". There's more behind that phrase.

What? There's another one to take care of too??

My brain is a bit on the mushy side. I can't read books out loud to Jackson without taking a second to re-read words and sentences because my brain can't keep up and I create my own words somehow. I have fallen asleep during prayers with Jackson. My husband swears he told me something that I have no recollection of at all. And when I walk into the kitchen, I don't even know why I'm in there, but am clearly on a mission. I can't remember anything. 

You might even notice more grammatical errors in my blog posts. Sorry. Plus, I only get about 2 minutes to write now.

Tractor Man! Costume made by daddy!

Me and Nathan

Dad and his buddies

Trick or Treating at Jackson's old daycare

Trick or Treat with daddy

Our lil pumpkin

My boys!

The pace picks up tremendously with two. Yesterday was especially hard because I had both boys home. I was all by myself. Karl started to come down with something and Nathan decided to cluster feed at midnight. Now that was a long night. I went against all rules and let him sleep on me - skin to skin - just so I could get SOME sleep.

I was then bound to our couch all day. ALL DAY. I don't remember this happening with Jackson. I think when a growth spurt hit, he was eating every 2 hours instead of his usual 5, but Nathan was every 30 minutes. If I wasn't feeding him, he was screaming. So just as I finished, I'd burp him and try to set him down so I could play with Jackson and Nate was ready for more. It was crazy.

Jackson clearly needs to eat too. I need to eat. And we don't have a butler or maid here to make us anything. Darn. It's all on me. The house was loud yesterday.

Jackson needed to use the bathroom. He needed his butt wiped. He wanted me to be in his playroom. He wanted me to carry his tractor when my hands were full. So yesterday became nuts. Then Jackson started to get upset because all my attention was on Nate and so the tantrums started. I knew I needed to take care of myself too so I would produce enough milk, but it was nearly impossible. At the same time I didn't have time to think. I never do anymore. And that seems to be the biggest difference for me. I just do whatever feels right. And we seem to survive.

Then came today. Karl decided he needed to get to a doctor right away. Me - alone with the boys again. AND off to a chiropractor appointment and Costco. Could I do it? There was no thinking. Only doing.

It took me 9 months to get Jackson in a shopping cart after he was born. Yeah. You read that right. Nine months. Nate has been everywhere since he was three days old.

Not only did we take him all the way back to my parent's house (4.5 hours away...which, by the way is more like 6.5 hours with a toddler and a newborn. P.S. Jackson pooped in a garbage can at some random park and I nursed in the front seat. I'll spare you the details of where I peed.) 

But we drove 2.5 more hours (after surviving 6.5 hours) to get to my grandma's funeral and then 4 hours back to Minnesota from there. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster and letting go. I had no time to worry. I just had to do.

The drive always helps when you stop for ice cream

Let me tell you, nursing in a Catholic church with family members walking by and your grandma's open casket facing you takes on a new meaning. Tears streaming, snot running into Nate's hair and my brain going...is Jackson knocking down candles? When do I have to bring up the communion? What if Nate cries? What if Jackson throws a tantrum? Why does my sweater keep riding up?

My sweet grandpa after my grandma's funeral

So what did I do? I cried. I did everything I told myself I didn't want to. I walked straight up to my grandpa and held him. We bawled. I hate crying in front of people. I like to look strong. But my heart can't stop what it feels anymore. And I just let it all out. 

My grandpa is so hearttbroken right now. He kept asking me what he should do. And all I could say is "it's going to be OK". Because for some reason, I felt like that's what my grandma wanted me to say to him. 

I love my grandma too much to pretend everything is OK but I really felt like everything would be OK. I don't know how but it's what came out. Will it be???

I turned around and looked into my grandma's coffin. She looked like she always did to me. And that seemed weird. What was she doing in there? This wasn't really happening was it?? All I could picture was her sweet voice. Her dimples. The way she walked into my middle school classroom for EVERY SINGLE Grandparent's Day with Double Mint Gum in her mouth and her dimples popping everywhere.

A proud grandma. And my grandpa made sure he told me when he was holding me. "Your grandma loved you so much."

That got me.

The whole day felt like I was in some kind of bubble. My family is known for celebrating. We drink. We dance. We laugh. We love. We have fun. This was a whole new setting for me.

The priest shared a great homily. And while he was speaking, the crappy cloudy day turned. The sun BLAZED through the stainglass window behind the body of Jesus on the cross when he mentioned my grandma's name and rainbows surrounded her coffin. It was quite beautiful. 

I had a half eaten sucker in one hand. A matchbox car in the other. Snot dripping into my mouth and a box of Kleenex jammed into my thigh. None of that mattered. The light mattered. I stopped to remember that moment. Was she saying hi? Was God telling us everything WILL be OK?

Back to today... Karl was sent to the ER. Doctors thought he had an abscess tonsil. I was at the chiropractor with Nate and Jackson while Jackson was doing pullups on the office fish tank. 

Soon we were all adjusted. Somehow. I learned from the last time, that Nate poops rather quickly after. So I changed his poopy diaper. 

A side note: Just when you think you're ahead of the game.... well. You're not. 

The three of us headed to Costco and the screams began. I told Jackson that we'd have to hang tight in the parking lot once we got there until I fed Nathan. He said Nathan's crying hurt his stomach and I needed to make it stop. We hit every red light.

Then Jackson joined in on the loud screams and demanded a sucker. I did not have any suckers. I quickly got Nate on my boob. All the shoppers got a show. Too bad. Jackson won my cell phone so he could watch videos. Whew. Problem solved. Until the blowout hit. 

I didn't freeze though. I kept going. Who is this mom??? I changed Nate's diaper while he was on top of me in the passenger side of the car. Fed him more. Blow out number two. You HAVE to be kidding me. I changed him on top of me again. Done. We ran into the store. Nate cried the entire time. Ufdah. I got everything we needed and headed home.

Both boys happy.

I felt like I had climbed the world's largest mountain after that. I did it.

Every day feels like this incredible adventure with very little downtime right now. It's pretty wild. But I seem to run into enough people who remind me that it's not going to be like this forever. And after my grandma's funeral, I FEEL it too. 

The circle of life. The many phases. The many blessings we're given every single day. How fast the years go but how slow some days can seem.

Two is NOT easy. One isn't either. But at the same time, I want all of us to hang on super tight to these moments.