Mother Truckin' Hormones - Month 2

written August 29, 2011
week 7
The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry. (info from www.babycenter.com)

When the going gets tough...

Weeks 1-5 = feeling awesome
Week 6 = feeling not the best but I survived
Week 7 = holy man...not good.

Every day seems to get progressively worse and this freaks me out. Karl insists it's anxiety, but he's not carrying a lentil bean in his belly right now and I try to remind him of this. I'm not so sure "anxiety" is really what is making me feel nauseous. I've never been prescribed anxiety meds or have been told I have anxiety... I call it "morning sickness". But then again, Karl's never been pregnant.

I thought things were getting better Friday into Saturday. I even agreed to go to Karl's parent's cabin for the night. I made him stop at Buffalo Tap in Savage on our way and I got some delicious buffalo bites (yummy) because when I get hungry, I need to eat. Saturday I woke up feeling great. I had a couple crackers since I know Karl's family eats a lot later than I normally do and thank God I did because we didn't eat until 11-something. I went on a walk with my mother-in-law, sat around the fire, read a couple magazines, went fishing with Karl and for a boat ride later - I felt really good. The weather was gorgeous.

Then Sunday came. As soon as I got up, I felt like crap. The entire day I felt awful. I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup around two and some of a steak salad around dinner time, but it was all force fed. Enter Monday morning (today): oh boy. I purposely ate a bunch of crackers as I was waking up because it's a work day and, well, I need to get to work and I need to be feeling good and I didn't want to chance anything. The crackers did not help. As soon as I stepped out of the shower, I dove back into bed. I forced myself to go downstairs where I stared at the TV and prepared a shoulder roast in the slow cooker. I raced back upstairs and snuggled up in bed. Ugh. I seriously thought I'd start crying. I can't stand this. I can't live like this. I so take my health for granted!!!

I knew I couldn't be late to work again without my coworkers catching on (last Tuesday I came in late due to a pounding headache) so I forced myself to put some makeup on. I barely dried my hair and quickly put on clothes. I grabbed some crackers and seltzer water. On my drive in to work I realized I needed food if I planned on getting through the morning since I felt incredibly dizzy and light headed. So I stopped at McDonald's and got a Coke and an Egg McMuffin - my saving grace. The Coke immediately perked me up and tasted like heaven. I started feeling really good and devoured my Egg McMuffin and now think I'll survive the day.

I just hope this doesn't last the entire time because I don't know how I'm going to handle feeling this way or how my teeth or baby is going to appreciate a Coke every single day for the next eight months. But if it makes me feel better....

Other things I've noticed:

1. I'm feeling incredibly stuck
This makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way. I knew this "becoming-a-parent" moment would be coming, but I guess I figured things would be different. I always thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom - that I'd have the luxury to stop working, but I'm about 95% so sure this won't be the case. With health insurance and short term disability and all the bills coming in...this little dream I built up in my head isn't working out. I need a new car soon, Karl just got one, and Karl has student loans and is going back to school and he'll have bills coming our way - even if his work is paying for it, there are little things that add up (a new laptop, flights out to the school, his books, etc). And this freaks me out. I hate debt. Ever since I put my hands on a credit card, I've always paid in full. If I didn't have the money, I didn't need the item. With that said, we're both going to have to work and there really is no other way around it. Someone else besides me is going to have a hand in raising our child. Akkk! Can I really pass on our child to some stranger to watch while I'm working all day? This is when I really wish I lived closer to my parents.

2. I've lost a lot of my drive
I always have an abundance of energy and drive. And I feel like it's all gone. I really don't care about dust in the house and the piles of laundry and the toothpaste gunk building up in the sinks. Okay, I do care about it - a lot more than usual - but I don't care about cleaning it up. I don't care if I don't make dinner or if I don't finish a project on time. I just want to relax when I get home. As a woman, I feel like I was born to be the caregiver. I'm so in for a treat, aren't I? But at the same time I'm tired of worrying about it so I just need to let go.

3. I don't want to write (at least right now)
Me? Doesn't want to write? I started a new book and I can't seem to get to it. I have the time, but most of that time is spent napping or talking myself into feeling better. The last thing I want to do is try and focus on words when I feel so crappy. How can I be a writer if I don't even want to write??? Please tell me this will pass.

4. I have to talk myself into everything  
The couch is my friend right now. I literally have to cheer myself on to go to work, to go for a walk, to go to the grocery store, to go to the gym, to fill my car up with gas, to get new windshield wipers. What is with that?? I love exercise. I love the outdoors. I love doing new things! Last night I forced myself out the door and it was the best decision I could've have made. The weather was perfect and the fresh air felt great. I knew the walk would work miracles, so why is it so hard to do?

So in my head I keep telling myself, this too shall pass. It has to!!!!! I want to be excited and happy and my ol' bubbly self.
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting...thank God for it.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson