4 Months Old

Jackson is 4 months old this week!!!
18 weeks (posting a week late)



Jackson at 4 months old

So crazy how fast time flies. We are enjoying our little boy so much! He is SUCH a joy to be around. It was nearly impossible for me to get a good shot of Jackson holding his sign up. He is a mover and shaker right now and I know it's only going to get crazier!

Weekly Milestones for Jackson:

We heard Jackson laugh for the first time. Karl and I were headed for a walk and the stroller wouldn't fit between both cars in the garage. Karl accidentally let "this is horse sh*t" slip from his mouth and Jackson totally busted out laughing. That was so fun to hear. It put both of us in a great mood. The next time he laughed was when Karl wrapped Jackson up like a ninja. I had the camera all ready to video tape and then just as THE BEST giggle came out, the media card was full. Go figure. But it was THE BEST SOUND ever!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W231JZhAPww&feature=plcp

Jackson is rolling around and moving like nobody's business. We set him on his back in the crib and he'll flip over on his belly. He LOVES sleeping on his belly with his butt in the air. When I hear him cry out during the night, I'll run in and check on him and he either has a leg through the railing of his crib or his head shoved up against the railings. Poor thing! He moves so much.

Chews on EVERYTHING!

He is also scratching the surface of things with his hands - his jungle gym mat, the bed spread in his crib, his clothes. It's fun to watch.

Cutest lil' guy in dad's hat!

 

He went from 4.5 ounces a feeding at homecare to 5 ounces. He is a growing boy!!! Of course I freaked a little bit about pumping enough at work but it seems I’m keeping steady at 17-20 ounces a day. As long as I’m pumping more than he's eating, I should be fine. We're going to ask the doctor if we should introduce a little rice cereal to help keep him satisfied longer. He's moving so much - I'm sure he's burning through calories like nobody's business.

He loves chewing on his three fingers. And I'm always checking for my hair wrapped around them since it seems to be falling out a lot.

Yummy fingers

He's playing a ton with his toys and studying them and sticking them in his mouth. Every week he seems to discover more about the world around him. I love that.  Uncle Mike went to the 2012 London Olympics and brought Jackson back a fun toy! Jackson likes it a lot. Mom might have destroyed the hair when she accidentally put it in the dryer... that picture to come later.

Uncle Mike brought back a souvenir from the 2012 London Olympics

I brought him in the bathroom with me to wash my hands and he caught himself in the mirror and smiled so big. It was the cutest thing ever.

Drunk on milk!

Karl gave Jackson a bottle when I was at volleyball and he wanted to help Karl hold it. Love this.

Father and son bonding!

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Top Baby Items We're Still Using Four Months In - Month 4

week 17 postpartum

20 BABY ITEMS WE USE THE MOST
(at Four Months)

I wanted to write a quick recap of the baby items we're still using on a regular basis for those out there registering or contemplating what items they *really* need, and this is also for myself when we have another baby:) I wanted to also compare it to my other post a couple months ago and see if there were any big changes.

1. Chicco Keyfit 30
I can't say enough good things about this car seat. It's so easy to take in and out of the car - one quick snap. It's so simple to buckle Jackson in and out. And it's easy to adjust. I LOVE this car seat and would recommend it over and over again.

2. BOB Stroller (and the Chicco adapter)
I'll admit it - I was kind of scared of strollers. The two we received for our shower sat open in the middle of our living room for months because Karl was trying to "remind" me in the nicest way possible that I would have to teach myself how to fold them up. Or else! So they sat. And sat.

Now... well, I'm trying to go on as many walks as I can fit in. The BOB stroller has been so easy to fold up and throw in my trunk too when we travel. All I have to do is snap in the Chicco adapter (this can stay in when I fold up too) and click in the car seat! What was I so scared of?


3. Bottles
I heard stories of babies NOT taking well to the bottle once they start daycare and being very particular about which bottle they like. Thankfully Jackson has taken to pretty much any bottle, but still manages to guzzle down his meal in under 8 minutes. When I went to the Shakopee Baby Fair in June, I took home two free Similac bottles. I like these a lot - maybe because they were free, but I think they look cool too. They are really easy to clean and hold as well. I also received a coupon for more, and since Jackson is now eating 5 oz each time at home care, I needed to get the bigger bottles.

Secondly, I use the Medela bottles that came with my pump during the week. I pump into the bottles because the numbers are more exact then the Medela bags ever were and they are easy to transport in the black cooler bag.

4. Breast milk bags
I still need bags for my milk when I get home. I dump my milk for the day in Lansinoh bags and stick in the freezer. They are bigger and I feel like I can write more information on them. For some reason I feel more organized using these bags. Weird, I know. They just seem to store nicer too.

5. Breast pump and parts and hands-free bra
I use my Medela pump ALL the time with my hands-free bra - three times a day at work and usually on Wednesday nights when I go play volleyball. I bought extra parts so I wouldn't have to clean as much. I have no idea how women breastfed back in the day with a hand pump. Though it was $250, it was WAY worth it.

6. Fisher Price Rainforest Melodies & Lights Deluxe Gym
We use this Deluxe Gym ALL the time. Jackson is now moving and rolling all over the place in it and swatting at the toys, reaching for them, pulling at them. He gets so excited in this thing and kicks and wiggles like crazy. Now he smiles and giggles.

7. Gerber Diapers (for burp cloths)
We received a lot of cute burp cloths during our showers. With such a drooly kid who spits up a lot, we can never have enough. However, we learned quickly which burp cloths absorb the most. A lot of them would just deflect the spit up so it'd hit the floor, or trickle onto us. We LOVE using the Gerber diapers as burp cloths, but they have to be the super thin material. I think it's called birdseye. These absorb the best for us. Also...Jackson LOVES these - he thinks of them as a blanket. He's always snuggling with them. It's cute.

8. Crib and changing station
We were going to register for a cheap(er) crib at Target...until my mom found one at The Baby Depot. I liked it a lot and then discovered Babies R Us sold it too. We ended up buying it. We didn't use it for three whole months but I love that the changing station is hooked to the crib. We've been using this since day one. Every time Jackson needs a changing, we bring him to the crib. I also like it because it has straps. Jackson is rolling everywhere and we make sure to buckle him in.

Jackson slept so great in the crib his first night. Now, he'll wake up crying because his arms will poke through the railings or his legs. Or his head will be smashed against them. I hate that!!! He is moving like a trooper. Thinking this little guy will be crawling soon.

9. Mobile (over crib)
The Fisher Price Discover n' Grow mobile we got isn't anything crazy fancy but Jackson LOVES it. He will stare at it and fall asleep. I love the soft music it plays.

10. Video monitor
I wasn't sure how much we'd be using this since Jackson slept in our bedroom the first three months. Now, we use it all the time when we put him down for the night or for naps. His nursery is literally maybe ten steps from our room and I'm pretty sure I can hear him the minute he whines, monitor or not, but the monitor helps ease my anxiety. Jackson's a belly sleeper and that makes me a little nervous. The noises he makes do wake me up some nights because of the monitor, but I'll move it to the floor in the wee hours of the night. I can't help but get curious how he's laying throughout the night and will peek every now and then. This kid is a mover and shaker.

11. Aden and Anais Swaddlers
We stopped swaddling Jackson at night two weeks after we moved him into his crib. He seemed to get annoyed with having his arms tucked in. We continued to swaddle his bottom half and freed his arms. Now he just sleeps in his jammies, but I like these swaddlers for blankets and for a thinner cover over his car seat if we go on walks so I can shield him from the sun! It's still pretty warm out right now and I feel like he can get air through these blankets...and they make for great emergency burp cloths.

12. Crunchy books and Goodnight Moon
Jackson loves the noises from his crunchy books and will play with these for awhile. Every single night we read Goodnight Moon to him. It's part of the night routine. And it seems to be working!

13. Hand toys, rattlers, things to suck on
I finally busted out Jackson's toys a week after his 3 month birthday and would set them around his jungle gym mat. Now, he's rolling over to pick them up. He's sticking them in his mouth. He's chewing on them. He's throwing them around. He's staring at them. Fun to watch!

14. Fave Diapers
Pampers and Costco brand are our faves right now. We tried a generic brand from CUB - no way - total leak central (poop everywhere) and Huggies seemed to fail us for some reason (pee shot through the side). I've also learned to tuck the lil guy in so there's no more accidents - seems like he has a history of peeing out the side of his shirt. We're also not going through the diapers as much. I'm not spastic if there's a blue pee line anymore - I don't change immediately.

15. Munchkin Arm and Hamer Diaper Pail
Still using this diaper pail to toss our diapers in and seems to work great! No smells. And we only have to take the bags out and down to the garage once a week now that Jackson is at home care during the week.

16. My brestfriend
I still use this all the time. I love love love it. I think it makes feeding time comfortable for the both of us.

17. Vitamin D drops
Since I'm b-feeding, I was told to give Jackson 1ML of Vitamin D every day. So I have been.

18. Easy/accessible clothes
You learn fast that cute clothes aren't so cute if they mean reaching the diaper will take longer than two minutes. I also discovered pajamas with millions of buttons down the front with booties are driving me crazy. At 3:00 a.m. when Jackson is crying in his sleep as I try to change him, all the while trying to flip over, getting his legs and feet back in the booties and then snapping a million buttons becomes really frustrating!!! I love onsies that have three snaps at the bottom. Bam. Done.

19. Whale bathtub
We give Jackson a bath every other night or every third night. We use his whale tub in the guest tub and it seems to work great. Jackson LOVES splashing around in it. I can't wait to take him swimming.

20. Baby Bjorn
I will admit...I don't use this (I need to learn) but Karl does a LOT and our homecare uses this every day as well. HE LOVES THIS!!!!!!!! I need to get it down so I can start bringing him to the grocery store in it. He loves being able to look around and explore the world.

What are you using over and over again?

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Weekend at the Cabin and other Milestones - Month 3

16 weeks postpartum

Now that I'm back at work, I can't even believe or explain how fast the weeks fly by - the weekends go even faster. I totally despise this. I love our weekends and I want to spend them together as much as I can. I don't know what to do to slow them down. I'm trying to soak up every second, but it's pretty crazy!!

Jackson's first boat ride on Trade Lake (in Wisconsin)!

Karl and I planned to take Jackson to his parent's lake cabin on Saturday. We didn't go Friday night like we normally would when it was just us because I needed to get laundry done and clean up some of the house since I only get the weekends to do this. And I like coming home from a weekend away knowing I don't have a list of things to do before Monday comes - most of the times I'm so tuckered out that it's hard to get motivated to do a bunch of stuff to get caught up. Grocery shopping might have to wait this week...

Backyard of the Koester cabin

We *think* Jackson slept the first half of the trip since he didn't get a morning nap in, but we can't be so sure. He's always been pretty good and content in his car seat and since we can't really see him... So I sat with him the second half after we stopped into Winehaven winery. Yum! He was up the rest of the way and started fussing...and didn't go down until 9:30 at night. Yeah. Long long day for mom.

What a spectacular couple weather days though! FINALLY!!! So nice to have a "dryer" cooler summer weekend. Jackson had his very first boat ride and we're pretty sure he liked it. He didn't go down for a whole lot of naps on Saturday so he was a little fussy in the boat, but overall we're pretty sure he's going to be an outdoorsy kind of guy! He loves his fresh air. Grandpa Jim and Grandma Judy took Jackson back inside the cabin so dad and mom could have a little fun boat ride around the lake.

Getting ready for first boat ride!

Mom and Jackson loving the fresh air

The Oranges! Grandma Judy and Jackson

Jackson loves Kacey!

I was able to get up and go for a run/walk and enjoy a little "me time" while Gpa Jim watched cartoons with Jackson. I like being able to find time to get exercise in. I need it!! I SO need it! I will say going into my third full week back to work, I can fit into most of my clothes again. Yay! I don't know what happened because the scale hasn't budged much. One day I couldn't get my pants over my thighs, the next day they are slipping back on - not perfectly by any means but we're back in business. One day at a time.

Couldn't get enough of the TV

Milestones for the week
Jackson is rolling over and sleeping on his belly at night. I was nervous about this with all the fears of SIDS out there and putting baby on his/her back, but was told if I put him on his back and he can get himself onto his belly, he can flip back.

Our little belly sleeper

Loves being on his side

He pursues his lips a lot and tries to makes noises, like a motor boat or tries really hard to get words out. I love when I say "coo" and he says it back! We just stare at each other and go back and forth chatting.

He continues to put more toys in his mouth and holds on to the toys better and better each week. He loves sucking on his fingers! I'll take this over the Nuk!

I love putting things in my mouth!

He loves to explore the world around him and take in as much as he can. I think this is why he loves the Baby Bjorn. He'll fall asleep in it too.

He still favors looking to the left but he looks around a lot more in both directions. Hoping the pediatrician notices this when we bring him in for his four month checkup this month. Not looking forward to more shots.

Our homecare says Jackson LOVES listening to her kids sing and play. He's all smiles and can't get enough of them. I LOVE hearing stuff like this!!!! I can tell he loves being with her just by the smiles he gives her. Ahhh, I can breathe!

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Pumping at Work and Breastfeeding - Month 3

15 weeks postpartum

I think two of the most frequently asked questions I get are:

1. "How's the 'pumping' stuff going being back at work?"

and

2. "How long do you think you'll breast feed for?"

Good questions!

I use a bowl to put my parts in and so I can easily wash the pieces in the sink at work

1. How's the 'pumping' stuff going being back at work?
Pumping at work took some adjusting to. But EVERYTHING takes adjusting to! Going into week two, I'm still learning how to get to everything in a work day. I will say my day goes extremely fast. SO fast! Thankfully I work quickly and I can do multiple things at once.

When I was home for those 12 13 weeks (3 months), I would only pump after the first feeding of the day (well minus the first two weeks of crazy when I'd have to pump after every feeding). Sometimes I wasn't able to because Jackson was up for good after and it was just me there with him. There was no way I could set him down so I could pump for 15/20 minutes, so I'd have to wait until he was napping in the afternoon. Every single day I always wondered...will I store enough milk to last as long as I want? There were other times I was completely exhausted at 3:00/4:00 in the morning and crawled back into bed, which usually meant I skipped an entire day all together. Then I'd feel uber guilty. Then there were the other days where Karl would feed Jackson a bottle (we did that only once a week so Karl and Jackson could bond and Jackson wouldn't be surprised once he went to homecare. And no, I don't get out much these days if you haven't been able to tell.). I would then pump. But I never was really building the stash by doing that.

Anyway, when I'd pump after the first feeding, I'd get maybe 2 to 4 ounces and I'm seeing now how fast we're breezing through the stash I worked so hard building up. Whoa. I have only two more big freezer bags left from my "at home" stash. And now two more from my "at work" pump stash. To give you an idea of how fast we went through the "at home" stash....I'd say about 3 to 4 days per big freezer bag.

I've started to panic but Karl's cousin (a working mom of three) is helping me see the bigger picture. I first needed to figure out how many ounces Jackson was eating at homecare and then make sure I'd pump that many ounces at work.

Duh. Makes sense.

Currently Jackson is eating anywhere from 10 to 12.5 ounces total at homecare. He does about three feedings. Homecare started off with 3 ounces each time and in our second week Jackson is up to 4 ounces each time. Our awesome homecare (an exclusive b-feeder of her three kids) realized if she gave the bottle some pressure and Jackson's lips cupped the nipple like he was breastfeeding, he drank a LOT slower and didn't get much air at all and was content with 3 ounces. She is so helpful and amazing!!! We do think he's going through a growth spurt as he's starting to take 4 ounces each time.

I'm currently pumping anywhere from 14 to 19.5 ounces total in my three 15 minute pump sessions. I've also been eating oatmeal and avocados as frequently as I can since I've read and heard that can help build up your supply. Who really knows though, right?

Feeding/Pumping schedule goes like this:
Feed Jackson by 5:30 a.m. - 30 minute feeding
Into work by 7:30 a.m.
Pump 15 minutes at 9:00 a.m.
Pump 15 minutes at 12:00
Not totally getting the best lunch breaks right now - working on that!
Pump 15 minutes at 3:00 p.m.
Leave work by 4:00 p.m.
Feed Jackson between 5:15/6:30 - 30/45 minute feeding
Feed Jackson between 8:15/9:30 - 30 minute feeding
Bed by 9:30/10:00 every night

Seems to be working right now! But babies are so unpredictable and this will probably change some. I *think* I should always have a two-week supply of milk in the freezer. I think. I mean, the math shouldn't lie. I'm just worried when he starts drinking 6-9 ounces at a time. Will I have enough?? But that shouldn't start until he's 6 months old and by then he'll be eating some solids too. ALWAYS a worry in my mind. I wish I could let this stuff go!

I'm trying to stick to my work pumping times since I have to pump in one of the bathrooms upstairs and I need to let employees know the times so they can work their bathroom breaks accordingly. There is no other room to go in that is private in the entire building. That part is a little tough but there isn't much I can do. I hate feeling like I'm a nuisance. But then I keep telling myself by breastfeeding I'm helping keep our healthcare costs down. I'm doing my part! Ha! Ha!

Things I've learned from pumping at work:
1. Buy extra parts
I have enough parts to cover me for two pump sessions without having to wash anything. After everyone's lunch breaks, I head down to the sink in the kitchen and clean both parts for my afternoon session. I must keep an ample supply of dish soap for this.

2. Buy a big bowl to wash your parts in.
I don't trust our sink at work. People throw their dirty stuff in the sink and don't really do their own dishes. Anyway, I know my bowl is clean so I wash parts in there. I do have the quick clean wipes and steam bags, but I just don't feel like they do a good enough job cleaning up the parts.

3. Pump into bottles versus bags.
The entire time I was at home, I'd pump directly into Medela storage bags, store them in the fridge and then move to our freezer and then put a bunch of them into a freezer bag and store in our deep freezer. What I'm realizing is the ounces are off by one on all storage bags. Does this make sense? I'm kind of confused about this. The bags show you pump more than a bottle shows. Goofy. Why don't they fix this? To get accurate numbers, I now pump in Medela bottles, bring my Medela cooler storage bag and freezer pack and store this in our fridge at work. I put my bottles in this so they aren't exposed and freak anyone out. When I get home, I then pour the milk from the bottles into storage bags and stick in the freezer.

4. Buy a hands-free bra
I use this ALL the time so I can read a magazine or catch up on Facebook or stare at my baby's picture on my cell while I'm in the bathroom, sitting on a comfy chair I stole from the conference room...otherwise it's so gray, smelly and blah in there... I also turn the vent on so people outside the bathrooms can't hear what's going on.

5. Take things lightly
I've had co-workers stop me in the hallway on my way out of the bathroom with my hands full of bottles of b-milk. Men especially get embarrassed and kind of stare at the floor and walk away. I just have to let it go.


2. How long do you think you'll breastfeed for?

I get asked the question a lot. When I was pregnant and naive about how time consuming and hard breastfeeding can be, I said a full year. I'd LOVE for this statement to still ring true, but I don't know? I really hope I can. I also hope I can get out a little more because I'm always racing to homecare or home so Jackson gets me rather than a bottle. It's kind of nuts. I was proud of myself for making it to three months, that was my NEW goal. Now I take it month by month. I want only the best for Jackson and I know breast milk is the best for him; however, I also need to be happy and content and have somewhat of a life because when mom is happy, EVERYONE is happy!

How did you survive breastfeeding while working? Any tips?

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Weekly Milestones: Introducing the Crib, Rolling Over and Bumbo - Month 3

14 weeks postpartum

Like I mentioned in my last post, Jackson has grown leaps and bounds this past week. He's smiling more. He's rolling over like crazy and he transitioned into his crib!

Taking a break from rolling over from back to tummy and tummy to back

Jackson's biggest accomplishment (besides moving into his crib) for the week was rolling from his back to his belly. Or so I thought. I noticed this week when we'd put him down, he'd crank his neck like crazy, but there wasn't much room in the bassinet to move around. I wasn't sure what the deal was. He'd sort of fuss and then move his neck in the weirdest position. Part of me felt like he wanted to roll, but I thought maybe he was too young for that. That was until we set him down on his Jungle Gym Mat. He cranked his neck and flipped! We couldn't believe it. Soon he was rolling all over. The guy is a little Olympic athlete already! Here's a video clip of Jackson rolling over - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWWqYcXg1No&feature=plcp

Jackson cranks his head and then flips from back to tummy! So fun to watch.

I also noticed when I'd pick Jackson up from homecare he was extra smiley! And with that, his mouth was open a lot more than usual, almost like he wanted a huge laugh to follow. Instead he'd try to suck my shoulder off. I'd hand him toys and he'd immediately stick whatever he could in his mouth! I gave him a teething toy that was in the freezer and he licked it like it was a Popsicle. It was hilarious!

Jackson loves putting everything in his mouth

We tried putting Jackson in his Bumbo for the first time. He loved it. He gets to explore more!

Just chillin in my Bumbo

Jackson has also figured out his daddy. When Karl walks through our door and up the steps, Jackson gets the BIGGEST smile on his face ever. Both Karl and I teared up the first time Jackson did that because it was priceless. It was the coolest thing to see.

The boys bonding!

Friday night we decided we had to bite the bullet and transition Jackson into his crib. I was pretty nervous about it but I knew it was time. I thought it would be horrible on all of us. I thought Jackson would be up all night and he'd put up a huge fight. He surprised us. He fussed a little bit but soon he was out. I was waiting for him to wake up throughout the night, but I slept so solid and nobody in the house budged until 5:30 the next morning. Karl went and checked on Jackson at 5:30 (we couldn't figure out how to get the video monitor all set up)! Guess who was still sleeping? Score! We all slept till 7:30 - OK...dad slept a LOT longer than that!!! 

I could not believe Jackson took to his crib so easy. I know I hadn't felt that great in a long time. I felt like we took a huge step forward. I felt like a new woman. I felt rested!

Saturday night we tried again and he didn't fuss as much and was out a lot quicker. I heard him a little bit around 4, but fell back asleep. By 5:30 I was up feeding him and he went back down. He slept until 10:00 a.m.!!! I was cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry, going through bills, making breakfast...as many chores as I could get done before he'd get up. Now that I'm not home during the week, I have to power through the house chores twice as fast any chance I get on the weekends. How do people with cabins do it??? Might have to work on getting the hubby to wake up with me so I can get some extra help...otherwise that cleaning service is sounding better and better. *hint hint*

My next goal is to get Jackson sleeping by 7:00/7:30. My question is: how will he go the entire night without needing to eat??? I feel like he'll be starving! I usually feed him when I get home from work - 5/6 p.m. Would that be his last feeding of the night then? How is that possible??? Right now his last feeding is around 8/9 p.m. and he's in bed before 10. And can go until 4:00/5:00 without needing to eat. That works for us, but it also doesn't give Karl and I any time together at night.

Uncle Ben and Aunt Kelly stopped by on Saturday so I could get a longer workout in at the gym and hit up the grocery story and Karl could catch up on work at the office. Jackson slept most of the time but he did have some fun with them!

Jackson and Aunt Kelly chillin out

Jackson and Uncle Ben having a blast!

I've noticed Jackson has become less wiggly when I'm holding him. He seems very content. I love that. I have also noticed every time he eats from my left side he raises his hand, twirls his hair, flaps his ear and then slaps my chest and he repeats this. It's pretty cute.

I wonder what's in store for this week? Still waiting for that amazing laugh. We hear a giggle slip every now and then, which has been pretty sweet to hear. Can't wait!!

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Adjusting to Going Back to Work - Month 3

week 14 postpartum

I thought after I pushed out an eight pound, three ounce baby I could handle ANYTHING. Now when the going gets tough I tell myself, "Remember, you did a REAL HARD thing just a few months ago - nothing in the world compares to that kind of pain. You can do it!"

I found a worse pain.

The day I had to leave my baby and go back to work.

Look mom! Dad dressed me all cool!

The day I dreaded for years had come. Leaving Jackson struck my heart in a way I'd never felt before. My heart physically hurt. My stomach churned. The lump in my throat kept growing to the size of a boulder. The guilt ate me alive.

Wednesday night arrived and I didn't get much sleep. Ever since I became pregnant - in my mind - I was always going to be the caregiver for our children and this daycare stuff was all new. I thought we'd be able to find a way. I believed some sort of miracle would happen. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. I never learned by example how to be the working mom - it wasn't in my blood! I was feeling crappy that I wouldn't be able to follow in her footsteps.

Reality was right around the corner - I was NOT going to be the primary caregiver for our son throughout the day anymore. Plus, I wasn't sure how everything would go yet. How did I know I wouldn't have a major meltdown at work? I was so NOT in the right state of mind to deal with even more change. I was using all my energy to trick myself into thinking work would be so much better than looking into my son's eyes - like I had awesome projects waiting for me, I'd be getting a break...and whatever else I could think of to help me. Instead I started internalizing and laid awake for hours. Horrible time for insomnia to hit. Finally, I let out my frustrations to Karl hoping that would help me sleep. I had learned I can't keep things in anymore. But getting everything out didn't help because the frustrations I expressed didn't come out right. I was never able to get to my point.

Instead, I walked downstairs knowing very well I'd be going back to work functioning on less than four hours of sleep and I'd be doomed. I started writing a blog post for the Star Tribune about everything I had dealt with over the past three months. Tears filled my eyes. I swallowed them back. I couldn't go into work with puffy, swollen eyes. I tried to block the funny feeling creeping up my neck and in my stomach. Finally my eyes became heavy and I slid back into bed.

I didn't need my alarm to wake me. I had Jackson for that. I had an hour and forty five minutes of sleep under my belt. I don't know how I managed to shower and put on clothes (that fit) and made sure my pumping machine was ready to go and all the parts were washed, that I had a lunch, that I put mascara on both eyes. But I did.

Jackson looked so sweet lying in his bassinet. I wanted to jump in with him and spend forever there. My husband would have to pry my fingers from the edge. I could barely stand to look at Jackson because it hurt so much. He'd soon be waking and and his mom wouldn't be there to greet him. What would he think?

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore when Karl hugged me goodbye and told me everything was going to be OK. No it wasn't OK. I kept telling him how unfair the situation was even though I knew Jackson would be in good hands. I had my parents come up and stay over with us Thursday and Friday to help me transition into my new routine as working mom, but even with them there, I still wanted to be the one home with Jackson. At least I knew he'd be in a familiar place even if his mommy wasn't there.

I cried in the car. I bawled when I found the note Karl had left for me in the passenger seat of my car, telling me I was an awesome mom and he and Jackson loved me no matter what. I was so angry though. Why did I have to go through this?? Why wasn't I smart enough to save more money? All that money I spent at the bar when I was younger and stupid...why didn't I put that in the bank instead? Why wasn't I rich enough to afford staying at home and saving for Jackson's future? Why was I being punished? Why? Why?

I cried all 30 minutes to work and then I turned my brain off, sucked it up and kept my head down all the way to my cube. Soon my parents were sending me texts and pictures of Jackson and I knew he was OK. I started to get into the groove of things, though I had to find an extension cord for my pump so I could go in the bathroom every three hours and not have to worry about going through a truckload of C batteries, and then I had to get a chair moved in there. I was barely at my desk because I had to get that all set up. Soon I was flying to the bathroom, pumping (crying all the while) and then pumping again..and pumping again. Before I knew it it was time to leave.

I couldn't WAIT to see our little guy. I flew out of work and panicked when I hit traffic. Don't you people know I have a baby to see? Move!!

And then there was my little man. We were reunited. I threw my beloved cell phone aside and just snuggled. I fed him and massaged his arms and smoothed his hair and told him over and over how much I loved him and missed him. He'd look at me and smile and all was right with the world. I wanted to freeze the moment.

Friday came and leaving wasn't as hard. Still sucked. Maybe because the weekend was right around the corner, I was feeling OK. But I did pull out of a volleyball tournament so I could spend all day Saturday loving him up. Sunday dread started building the minute I woke up. I'd be going back to work the next day but this time I'd be bringing him to homecare and I'd be away from him five days instead of just two.

Monday morning came and even with getting everything ready the night before I was running all over the house hoping I wasn't forgetting anything. Then Karl grabbed me and scooped me into a hug. I bawled all over again!!!!!! And I sobbed, "This isn't fair!!"

Dropping him off wasn't as painful as I thought (but it still stung) and I think it's because our homecare person is AMAZING. She made me feel so much better. Jackson warmed up to her and her kids were so great around him. And every day gets better and better. I miss him like crazy and it still doesn't feel right being away from him but I get updates via email throughout the day. I hear about how Jackson is smiling and playing with her kids. How much he's eating so I know how much I should be pumping. How long he's napping. A routine is building. Jackson has grown leaps and bounds in the past week. I feel like we have an angel watching our Jackson! I feel so blessed and lucky. So many great things are going to happen to Jackson because of this opportunity. Yes, I wish I was more a part of it. But I count my blessings every day we found such a wonderful homecare.

I'm still on a mission to make my dreams come true though! And experiencing this has given me the push I needed to really kick things into high gear.

What helped you through your first week of daycare?

Dad dressed me again in this crazy outfit!

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