Balance, Meet Harmony

I read something on my Facebook page in one of the Mommy groups I follow. A very new mom was trying to figure out how to do it all, find balance, stay happy AND sane and was asking for help. I chuckled. Silly mom, there is not an answer to this. But of course there were 38+ responses and I was dying to read what others were saying.



Harmony at the park

Perhaps there was actually an answer to this madness!?

I’m always looking for suggestions to find better balance because for the past year I’ve been rushing around trying to find it. In my eyes it seems like all these other moms have it together and I’m missing something. But what I’ve learned over the past year is a lot of them DO NOT have it together. They either don’t like sharing this information with me or they are awesome at pretending. Or they simply have learned and accepted that this is their new life and take each day as it comes.

I envy that peace. I want it. I need it.  

One comment from a mom of three in the mommy group grabbed my attention. She wrote: “It’s not about finding balance, it’s about creating harmony. If you try to create balance, you set yourself up for failure and you’ll eventually burn yourself out and shoot yourself down over and over again. Instead, try to make the best of what you’re given. Every person’s situation is different. You're not walking in their shoes, nor will they ever walk in yours. Do not compare. What you do know now is nothing ever goes as planned and you need to recognize that and create harmony from what you’re handed every day.”

Hello. Why haven’t I thought of this?

I loved this. Harmony. Ahh. Such a positive word.

My last typical day had me almost pulling out my hair and beating myself up. Why couldn’t I go about my normal insane schedule AND get two gifts ready for a 1^st birthday party AND get all 70+ thank you cards done, stamped, addressed and in the mail from Jacksons’ birthday party?

Well, perhaps because Jackson stole my pen, wrote on his face, grabbed a bunch of the cards, stepped all over them, chewed on them, shoved them in the dirt of one of our potted plants and then kicked the envelopes under his Pack N Play. But in my mind it was ME who was the problem. I wasn’t fast enough. I couldn’t focus well enough. I lost my ability to multi-task. Why can’t you fill out these pesky cards that have been sitting on your to-do list for the past three weeks? You’d be able to do these in no time before. Insert name here would have had these out weeks ago. It’s not like you have any plans or company or….

Deep breath.  I looked at the situation through Jackson’s eyes. He was telling me…”MOM, I’m here. You are here. Pay attention to me! Screw these stupid thank you cards!!”

I mean, clearly my husband didn’t care about them. He left to place some bets at Canterbury for the Kentucky Derby.

Instead I took (another) deep breath and thought HARMONY. Let’s make this situation fun. OK, so reading a magazine or sitting outside with my shirt rolled up and drink in hand wasn't a reality at that very moment but I could still have fun. Harmonize.

I don’t know about you but I think music when I hear the word harmony. So the first thing I did was turn on music. Loud. Right away, Jackson started dancing. And I laughed. He was too cute. Then my moment came. A slow song filled the speakers. I picked up Jackson and we spun. We danced. I held him close and escaped all the stressors. I kind of felt like we were in a tunnel. Just me and him. “You know, one day you and I are going to slow dance at your wedding just like this and I’m not going to want to let you go. I love you too much.”

I thought of that day more seriously. I pictured Jackson as a man. I saw it all. I saw someone in white clinging to him for dear life…thinking she (or he, I suppose) loved him more than me. And he thinking he is the luckiest man alive. I panicked, but at the same time I felt incredibly blessed that he was still a little boy and I still had TIME. Every day I'm blessed with time to spend with him - some moments shorter than others but there is TIME. Time to enjoy him and soak up these harmonious moments. Moments I keep pushing aside because I think I have to find perfection.

I must have worn Jackson out because he ended up taking a 2.5 hour nap and low and behold I made it through all 70 cards. No, I didn’t have time to add the pictures, or addresses or lick them shut. That little voice started to attack me again… You used to be able to do this… remember?

Then Jackson woke up. I jumped and ran to him. He giggled when he saw me. 

Enjoy the moment. The today. The here and now. The cards can wait. I have some dancing to do.

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Jackson's 12 Month Milestones

Our baby is 1 year old.

And he is on fire. The boy is on the go go go go go. Did I mention daycare told us he is one of the most active babies they have seen...maybe even ever....? 

One year pics - taken at church

 

Jackson is in full point mode. SO SO SO curious ALL THE TIME. Everything gets a point followed by a “da?” or “whoa” or “waw”. We could spend countless hours staring at all the pictures on the refrigerator or even in his books. Jackson likes going through every single one over and over. He points, says “da?” and then moves on to the next, “da?”, smiling bigger and bigger as we go through each one.

Finally made it out to eat! Celebrated Jackson's one year bday. It went better than I thought.

Don't be jealous of J's hairline or fuzzy hair!

 

Jackson is a walking pro, even started to jog here and there. I guess he figured out how to get places even faster. Super! He has four new pairs of sneakers to choose from to help him get where he needs to go to thanks to Grandma Cindy. Those little shoes are just too cute!!

Like my new kicks? How about this cool outfit?

 

He enjoys pulling our DVD player forward and trying to rip apart all the compartments. That doesn’t fly too well with dad. Trying hard not to overuse the word “no!”. He also has a SOFT spot for animals. ALL animals. This is why the zoo will be SO FUN for him. I CAN'T WAIT to take him!!!

Loved this fish tank at the chiropractor. Wouldn't say he enjoyed his adjustment so much though...

He spotted this dogie 100 feet away and marched over to her!

 

Jackson also LOVES staring out the open crack in the window…even if it’s snowing out in April (seriously!?!? Blizzard one day and 80 the next). He watches the cars, people, doggies…you name it. You can almost hear him thinking.

My favorite spot in the house

My favorite toy in the house (yes, travel size shampoo)

 

His pediatrician loved watching Jackson move throughout the exam room during his 12 month checkup. He was all over the place…ALL OVER. That was until the shots came in. He KNEW. He immediately burst into tears and looked at me like HELP ME, MOM!!! This KILLED ME. It was a tough appointment. She pulled the wax out of his ears (meaning pinning him down), he had three shots and had his finger pricked and blood drawn. I was so flustered by the time I got to work, I couldn’t see straight. These are the moments I wish I could be home with him. I shouldn’t have to pass him off to someone else. I should be the one comforting him. Grrrr.

Oh, let's see... weight: 21 lbs, height: 30 inches (or maybe taller than that?), head: 50% (I don't have the paper in front of me and it was so hard to pay attention with Jackson so upset).

I've officially incorporated working out into my playtime with Jackson. He loves being active so I'm going to wear him out. He loves his little indoor bike and he loves it more when I push him on it. I invented this thing called the monkey crawl. I get on all fours and then rest my hands on the base of the bike and fly through the house, pushing Jackson lap after lap. My butt, thighs and hamstrings burn. When I can’t catch my breath or go anymore, I collapse on the floor and Jackson jumps on me and we laugh. Then I chase him all over the house in a game of hide and seek. Fun stuff.

Pretty sure he would sit on this all day if someone pushed him all the time

 

Speaking of laying on the floor, when I am on all fours, Jackson will stop what he’s doing and come over to me. He likes to push my shirt up a little and pull at my pants until a mole on the small of my back shows. He then flicks this mole on my back. OK…so maybe there is a little of me in him. I always flick Karl’s ears…. I know. Weird.

FINALLY nicer weather hit and I was so excited to take Jackson to a park. SO EXCITED. Things aren't as crazy when I can let Jackson run wild outside. I like this nicer weather A LOT. We went to a couple different parks and I let him loose. He shrieked and shouted with excitement, especially watching all the other kids play. He followed them everywhere and up the stairs he went and through the blue tubes he went. Ummm…wait…what?? I had to chase after him – through the tubes I went. I felt like a kid again. We had a blast. And we went again when Karl got home (after a stop at the local Dairy Queen). Now this is what I’m talking about. This is what families do, right? This is all I ever wanted. TO SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER. THE THREE OF US.

Beginning of the week...cold and snowy. WHACK.

 

End of the week - 80 degrees. He loves his awesome trike/stroller!

Hit up the river bottom as a family! Dad even got a wood tick...

Playing at the park - full speed ahead! Mom had to be quite flexible in those blue tube thingy

No words needed here....

Life is so much better with ice cream!

 

Ask for a hug and you’ll get it. BEST FEELING EVER. He’s really showing love. Hugging his stuffed animals and us. So sweet. So innocent. So precious.

Jackson loves flipping through all the pages of his books. He has one book he goes to all the time. A book full of colors. Want to know his favorite color? Or at least his favorite page? BROWN. Yeah. BROWN. Every single time he goes to his book, he MUST flip to the brown page. Then he laughs and smiles and points to the teddy, horse, monkey and owl. I also noticed he did his first finger painting at daycare. Guess what color? BROWN. OK…so we know he might not like all the colors his mom does.

My mom reading Jackson's favorite page...BROWN

 

I stopped all midnight feedings. I know. We’re going on night five. I was scared half to death to do this. But Jackson’s pediatrician reminded me about cavities. Yeah, yeah, yeah… I just was more nervous about losing more sleep by taking away the feedings. I was worried he'd be up and scream his brains out for hours. Not so! So far, so good. Last night he did wake a little at 3:00 a.m. and I went into his room and rubbed his back. He fell back asleep. Same again at 5. But now I’m worried his molars are coming in and he’ll be up lots. I was incredibly engorged and uncomfortable last week but taking all this day by day.

You’ve all heard of the Gummy Bear Song, right? This is one song that will STOP Jackson in his tracks and also got us through his one year pics. It’s about a 2 minute YouTube video, but 2 minutes is two minutes. I kind of am addicted to it too. I mean, a gummy bear jamming in a low rider? Sweet. Thanks Jenna!!

The Gummy Bear Song ROCKS

 

One of Jackson’s favorite things is to knock blocks over. Between Karl, my brothers, my dad and me, we try to outdo one another and build a bigger tower for Jackson. Jackson doesn’t mind…he gets crazy excited and then his eyes start fluttering because he knows what’s coming. He swipes a hand over the blocks and CRASH. Then he claps. YAY!

CRASH!

 

The street sweeper came through last week and Jackson would not take his eyes off of it. It was fun to watch him get excited (and stay preoccupied for more than a couple minutes). I was able to get lunches ready and packed up! Win-Win.

Way too cool, mom! "WAW!"

In a trance.

 

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Jackson's One Year Photos

One-Year Photos

Here's how this went down. A month before Jackson's birthday I asked Karl if we should get professional pics done. I knew we'd be getting pictures for the church directory. What I didn't realize is $90 and ONLY THREE pictures later, we'd only have one good shot of Jackson to choose from. I thought that was good enough, especially on our wallet after throwing that crazy, HUGE birthday bash. But they only turn one once...right?

As crazy as things get, I love this family of mine.

I had heard of Be Creations Photography from a friend I took a Baby and Me class with. I knew this photographer was located right in town and was fairly reasonable, but wasn't sure when we'd be able to fit in pictures with Karl's crazy work schedule.

I sent a text asking Karl if there was a day that worked better out of two days available the week after Jackson's bday. Never got a response from hubby. All I got was an email saying J.C. Penny had a Groupon for $20 pics. I figured that's the route he wanted to go and so that was that. And clearly I was supposed to purchase the Groupon, but I was at work and thinking of 500 other things that pictures quickly slipped my mind before I did anything. I mean, the church picture we did get of Jackson was SUPER CUTE.

Fast forward to the week after Jackson's birthday. I was getting ready for bed when hubby says, "So I'm leaving two hours early for those pictures tomorrow."

SAY WHA!?!?!?

What pictures????

It is now Wednesday and I'm at work trying to set up these one year pictures...not looking cute...nor am I sure what the heck to put us all in.

As God would have it, the time was still open and we MADE it. I do not know how. Sometimes I do not know how I make it at all with everything going on all the time.

Anyway... Here are some of our faves. Oh, and if you're looking for a photographer, check out BeCreationsPhotography.com. Jolene is awesome. AND she has dimples:)

Smooches all around

How is my lil boy ONE???

Happy family

YAY!!!

This candy looks GOOD!!

Heck yah, I'm diggin in

Wait...there is more?

GO TWINS!!!

Where is all started:) LOVE.

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Nursing for an Entire Year!!!

I DID IT. I DID IT.

There are only a handful of moments in my life where I get an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. You know what I'm talking about. The proud moments in your life. The times you feel like you are on top of the world. You faced something hard head on and SUCCEEDED.

Bye-bye pumping station. Until next time...

For me, these have been...

1. Earning the title of MVP on my high school volleyball team
2. Earning an athletic scholarship
3. Letting parts of my past go as much as I wanted to hang on to them (learning forgiveness)
4. Becoming Chancellor Scholar Athlete of the Year my final year in college
5. Earning a 3.8 GPA a couple semesters in a row during college and graduating in four years (while balancing 18 credits, playing volleyball and holding a part-time job)
6. Moving to Minnesota on a whim knowing only my brother
7. Starting over from heart break, empty and lost and building incredible amazing new relationships with strangers who are now some of my bestest friends
8. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of hundreds of people
9. Marrying my husband
10. Traveling and exploring parts of the world
11. Writing an entire 300+ page novel
12. Giving birth to my son Jackson
13. ....and now this...

I talked about this awesome feeling in an earlier post. The day when you wake up and you feel it... MAGIC. You do something for YOU - something HARD and GRUELING and CHALLENGING, but you keep getting up and keep on truckin' because you know when you finish, you'll feel so damn proud of yourself, it's ridiculous.

The moment when you realize how strong you really are. 

I don't need anyone else slapping me on the back or handing me an award. It's a feeling that I've only created and I'm treasuring it.

I successfully nursed for an entire year. Why is this such a big deal for me? Maybe because nursing was SO hard for me. SO SO SO hard. Painful. A HUGE time commitment. But I knew if I kept at it, I could and would do it. And I did.

I remember at 6 weeks, I thought a year seemed so incredibly far away. I was cracked and bleeding and so sore. Every latch made me feel like one of Dexter's victims - like he was sticking his razor blade to my skin drawing blood for one of his slides. I wasn't sure I could hang on. But I did. People told me to give up, but I wanted this. I needed this. Maybe a control thing? Maybe because I'm crazy? I don't know. 

Three pumps a day at work, 5 days a week, 25 minutes a time...in a smelly, gross bathroom. Yes, I know...law says I shouldn't have to pump in a bathroom. Sadly, it was my only option. At 8 months I dropped a pump. I was pumping twice a day at work. 11 months I went to once a day. This week Jackson turned one, and I'm doing one pump for 5-10 minutes each day. Next week I drop all pumps.

At least Jackson likes my pump parts...

So tell me this. Why am I sad??? I hate lugging that big ol' pump bag around and cleaning my parts and bottles out every night. Drives me crazy. And now I'm sad!?!?!? What gives?

This is when I know the moment is pure. Real. One that means something. And I grow. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

I DID IT.

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Jackson’s First Birthday Party with 70 of His Closest Friends

Big or Small Party? Which way to go?

Happy Birthday Jackson James

I’m officially a mom of a one year old!!!! There are so many emotions going through my head and heart today. First and foremost I wanted to recap Jackson’s first birthday party.

Jackson's 1 year Birthday Invite

 

Karl and I went back and forth on the size of the party. We first settled on small because we didn’t have a whole lot of time to devote to planning, and well…space was a huge issue too. We still live in a town home and there was no way we could invite everyone we wanted to. Weather is always sketchy in Minnesota in the spring (hello snow). We knew our families wanted to be included, but that meant inviting EVERYONE on all both sides. Right there, we were already at 60+ some family members.  There was no way our house could hold that many people – not even our garage.

We told Karl’s parents the dilemma and they offered up their home. Did they know what they were in for??? Karl’s sister offered helping, which was HUGE for me. HUGE. We ran with it. We kept the list down as much as we could.

The day of the party 70 family and friends showed up to Karl’s parent’s house. Holy PARTY. Can you feel my stress level? But this wasn't about me...

Birthday boy!!

 

This is when my mantra became: Go big, or go home. They only turn one once. Right??? Are you laughing at me yet?

In attendance? The oldest guest: 86 years old. The youngest: 10 days old. The variety of people was insane, but we loved every single one of them. And we KNOW they love the three of us. A pretty overwhelming feeling if you ask me.

We could not have done ANY of this without the help of Karl’s sister. She is crazy AMAZING at planning, organizing and setting up parties. She rocked the show. When I think about all she did for us, I get choked up. Party planning does not come easy for most of us. But I know she did this because she loves Jackson [that much]. I’m not an aunt so I don’t know how that feels just yet, but Kelly has taught me a lot about love. She has a LOT of it and shows it better than anyone I know.

Kelly's stellar party planning skills

Jackson, Kelly and Ben

My older brother supplied all the burgers thanks to his sweet discount from Cargill! I mean, these were the burgers they send to places like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebees. YUMMY!

My friend Kimbra worked feverishly on making the YUMMIEST carrot cake of all times. Not just one, but a smash cake for Jackson that looked like a puppy bowl (since he LOVES puppies) and a sheet cake and 100 mini cupcakes!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, I haven’t had a cake that good…well, since…ever.

Front of the smash cake

Back of smash cake

Adorable puppy sheet cake!

 

My grandma supplied some entertainment. A Polish tradition is to set four objects in front of Jackson and whatever he reached for would be his destiny…. A shot glass, a rosary, a golf ball and coins. Jackson selected the golf ball right away and then the whiskey glass. Hmmmm. The next Adam Scott (2013 Masters winner)?

My grandma supplying some entertainment through a Polish Tradition

 

And the gifts!! WHOA!!! Jackson is SET!!! And now he has some really awesome toys to keep at grandma and grandpa’s when they watch him! Jackson was spoiled though. My brothers and sis in law found a really cool bike I've never seen before!! Jackson is so lucky to have such neat uncles and aunts on BOTH sides!

Jackson's cool bike!

 

Yes, the house was PACKED and there were around 10-15 little adorable energetic people running around and it felt like I was back in college at an awesome keg party trying to slide my way through a ton of people (minus the kids). But these were all people we love and who love Jackson. I looked around. I soaked it in and saw how happy Jackson was and how many people adore him. It was pretty cool and insane all rolled into one. Jackson had no problem going to other people and loving them up. I LOVED THIS!!! He impresses me EVERY SINGLE DAY so much.

The little people

 

We stripped Jackson down, stuck him in Grandma Judy’s highchair from when she was a little girl, and everyone sung Happy Birthday to Jackson and he rocked back and forth before his cake came. He was so sweet. He IS sweet. He quite didn’t know what to do with the cake and gagged on it a little. Then cried. We tried. But that’s OK. He made our hearts smile.

Our little man getting ready to dive in

 

What is this? Sugar?

Wait, they are all singing for me!!

I'm not sure my mom will be OK with me eating sugar... Guys, I'm serious here...

Maybe just a little taste...

Don't make me!

It is pretty....

Nope. Not my thing, mom.

 

I created a photobook last week of a bunch of pictures I took over the year, but it didn’t arrive in time, so I also whipped together a video slideshow of Jackson in a matter of a day. I have no idea how I did this or when. I really don’t. But it has brought me to tears every time I’ve watched it.

A whole year whizzed by in the 12 minute video – and that’s exactly how time feels right now. Time and life is cruising by so fast. So much has changed in such a little of time, but for the first time I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be and I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. I am happy. Busy. Challenged. Tired. Amazed. Every single moment of the day. Pushed beyond my limits. But I come out stronger every time. The craziest part of it all is I am happy. Happy. So very happy. And I feel incredibly blessed.

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