Where do YOU fit in?

Life gets busy. Where are you on your to-do list?

So after writing my latest post on losing both my grandparents, I realized how much I missed writing and how much I love it. AND, how much I NEED writing in my life and this blog. And all of YOU. 

One last cart ride around my grandparent's house - one of my favorite homes. I used to drive this cart when I was a kid on their 40 acres. Felt really weird being at their house without them there. 

Sometimes (most of the time) this blog IS the only way I get to communicate my feelings and emotions right now. Not intentionally, but even when I tried getting a full sentence out last night over dinner with my husband, I realized I could choose to scream over Nathan's cries because he was overtired and teething (again) and Jackson's whines because his chair wouldn’t move right or find another time to talk. I chose to keep things to myself until my husband and I could both connect again, and for us that’s usually in bed right now. We're trying hard to get all the sleep we can. So it was another night of chugging down water and forking in food until everyone calmed down. When I finally made it to bed (seriously, dishes take forever when it comes to scrubbing those bottles and pump parts and teething rings, etc), I laid my head down and was out in seconds. I didn’t mean to fall asleep that quickly but sometimes I’m so mentally exhausted, I completely shut down. I woke at 3:30 confused, nursed and  realized I didn’t call my mom once again to check in.

Man, this life is crazy. CRAZY. The days can feel so long but the years FLY BY.

Like most of all of you, I’m a busy person too. And sometimes my passions and to-do lists get pushed aside while I’m so focused on making it through the day, keeping up with all the dishes and laundry and food and making sure everyone is content and getting the attention they need…all with a smile. (For some reason, I know I will look back and be sad when this phase is gone.) Before I know it, it’s time for bed and another day just flew on by.

I often hear the analogy about putting on my oxygen mask first. I really struggle with that one. Anyone else? There are times where it just doesn’t feel right. I’m trying to find that happy balance, but deep down I do know I need to let go more. Before I know it, I will be forced to REALLY let go and watch both boys get on the bus, and get behind a wheel and drive and head off to college, get married, have kids of their own. AKKK!

In the meantime, I have been reading a lot of personal development books and have really enjoyed these. They have been SO healthy for me. This entire health and fitness coaching business has been one of the BEST things for me. It has forced me to make time for myself and improve myself too, which I needed in a big way. Even when I don't feel like I have the oxygen mask on all day long, this business has reminded me to put it back on every day. I love that. These books have really opened my eyes to positive thinking and putting things in perspective. These great reads remind me that what I give the universe is what the universe is going to give back to me. And it’s been pretty spot on. 

For example, there have been a lot of things going on these past 6 months:

• ·         We moved in a new house while I pregnant with number 2 and transitioned Jackson into his big boy bed at the same time and successfully survived potty training (not at night just yet)
• ·         Found a renter for our town home
• ·         My husband started a new job (thank GOD! No more on-call or travel!)
• ·         I started a side gig as health and fitness coach
• ·         We had our sweet Nathan and I went on 3 months maternity leave
• ·         My wonderful grandma died of a stroke
• ·         Our sweet niece, Hadley was born
• ·         I went back to work with a new boss 
• ·         Our sweet niece, Audrey was born
• ·         My wonderful grandpa died of heart failure (i.e. broken heart)
• ·         My dear friend Kathy died from a brain tumor

When I look at that list, I think whoa. That’s a lot of hard sh*t. Not just minor things. But as the person living this crazy life, I’m not sure if I have processed it all either. I sort of feel as if I’m going through the motions a lot of the time. I’m constantly pulled away from my tasks and duties or interrupted or thrown one curve ball after the other and I am slowly learning to just go with it. I guess in my mind, we are healthy and that feels like we’re winning. It truly is a blessing to have your health and be surrounded with genuine lovely people. It seems so simple, but it's such a gift. 

I continue to put out positive energy every single day. The other way doesn’t sit well with me. I don't feel whole - and I need to feel whole. 

I have a LOT of conversations with God, asking for his guidance. I often think of the “Footprints” prayer. Some days I feel Him carrying me, other days, I simply ask that He let me follow him. For instance, as I write this, my husband sent a text saying we’re going to need a new air conditioner and furnace. I thought…”I’m so glad he’s taking care of this!” Before, I would have worried about the $3,000+ we’re going to have to fork over.

I am focused on seeing the GOOD in every situation. And that has changed everything.

I know this life is so good, and can be bad at times. But with everything we are faced with we always ALWAYS have two options. We can do nothing at all – and what changes? Or we can DO something and there will be change!

On to these sweet boys…

Nathan is 7.5 months old and in the middle of getting his two top front teeth. We have YET to have him sleep through the night. Yeah.  He woke up once last night though. This was a big deal. Happy birthday to me, right? I celebrated but at the same time I reminded myself that this sketchy sleep pattern won’t last for long. Soon enough we’ll all be sleeping comfortably through the night. For now, it might be a little tough, but it will get better.

Nathan is also army crawling and started doing this the day before he turned 7 months. He actually pulled himself up and climbed up from the living room into the kitchen last night and cleaned our entire hard wood floor with his WHITE onesie. For one, I I couldn’t believe how FAST he is and secondly, man…I have to clean our floors. This is when the childproofing begins. We found him eating dirt in one of our house plants. What’s with plants that kids love so much? Jackson was the same way!

Nathan is eating 3 times a day now. Anything from eggs to Karl’s healthy pancakes to organic fruit and veggies. I just slipped him some quinoa last night. You would be happy to know I did give him a popsicle and he loved it.

He is the happiest baby ever. I love that smile of his. Those dimples. He is something special for sure. His fuzzy hair and cuddles are the best. However, he moves constantly just like Jackson. At my grandpa’s funeral, he refused to sit. He wanted to climb all over me, eat my hair, bite my shoulders, bend to the ground. He wants to observe and explore. He’s curious. He is in constant motion ALWAYS…even in his sleep.

I love working out with mom!

We love getting messy!

This is how he sleeps. He has to be hugging something. Always.

Tickle. Tickle. 

He sees something and he goes after it!

Jackson is Mr. Personality. He loves waving at cars and everyone at the grocery store. He will point out if someone doesn’t have hair or isn’t wearing a helmet on their bike or if they have an owie on their leg. Those big brown eyes and sweet eyes melt everyone’s heart. He has been great lately with entertaining himself and using his imagination to play. I love watching him. He’s obsessed with spiders and making sure there are NO webs in our house. He loves to talk “poopies” and will wave goodbye to his turds when he flushes the toilet. He watches us like a hawk. If a bad word slips out, he is sure to tell us. He asks “why” and “what” a million times. He constantly wants us to “watch me!” I just love seeing who he’s turning into. I’m totally impressed with how wonderful he is with Nathan. 

Hold on a sec, I'm driving... 

Push me higher and faster, mom!!!

WE LOVE CONSTRUCTION VEHICLES!

This kid LOVES to help and be involved!

He loves to challenge everything

The boys are starting to play together and it’s so much fun to watch. Nathan adores his brother and Jackson the same. This is going to be one awesome relationship to watch. I think…

The walking is slow but I still love getting out with them!

I LOVE this photo! My everything here!

The more they grow, the more I want to be home with them more. Though I get to work and feel like I’m on vacation sometimes. I get to breathe. Sit without interruption. Drink a hot coffee. Listen to music without someone talking over it. But I miss my boys like CRAZY. They are my world and I would choose to be with them in a heartbeat.

I have set some incredible big goals for myself and I’m starting to see that these goals can really become a reality the more I believe in myself and the more I just DO the work. It’s kind of nuts. And it’s kind of awesome. 

Remember...YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU MATTER. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO!

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The Ease of Just One - Week 3

"Enjoy the Ease of Just One"

I heard that all the time when I let the cat out of the bag that we were expecting number two. 

Hearing this over and over got old really quick. But I can tell you, I GET IT now.

I will say this. Going from no kids to one was 1000 times harder on me than going from one to two. No question about it. 

Everyone is different though because all the moms I ran into at the parks kept telling me I was in for a treat. I had no idea what was coming. Two was extremely hard (yet, one for them was a breeze. Not here!). This scared the crap out of me. Could it really get harder??

I totally understand now what all these moms meant by the "ease of one". There's more behind that phrase.

What? There's another one to take care of too??

My brain is a bit on the mushy side. I can't read books out loud to Jackson without taking a second to re-read words and sentences because my brain can't keep up and I create my own words somehow. I have fallen asleep during prayers with Jackson. My husband swears he told me something that I have no recollection of at all. And when I walk into the kitchen, I don't even know why I'm in there, but am clearly on a mission. I can't remember anything. 

You might even notice more grammatical errors in my blog posts. Sorry. Plus, I only get about 2 minutes to write now.

Tractor Man! Costume made by daddy!

Me and Nathan

Dad and his buddies

Trick or Treating at Jackson's old daycare

Trick or Treat with daddy

Our lil pumpkin

My boys!

The pace picks up tremendously with two. Yesterday was especially hard because I had both boys home. I was all by myself. Karl started to come down with something and Nathan decided to cluster feed at midnight. Now that was a long night. I went against all rules and let him sleep on me - skin to skin - just so I could get SOME sleep.

I was then bound to our couch all day. ALL DAY. I don't remember this happening with Jackson. I think when a growth spurt hit, he was eating every 2 hours instead of his usual 5, but Nathan was every 30 minutes. If I wasn't feeding him, he was screaming. So just as I finished, I'd burp him and try to set him down so I could play with Jackson and Nate was ready for more. It was crazy.

Jackson clearly needs to eat too. I need to eat. And we don't have a butler or maid here to make us anything. Darn. It's all on me. The house was loud yesterday.

Jackson needed to use the bathroom. He needed his butt wiped. He wanted me to be in his playroom. He wanted me to carry his tractor when my hands were full. So yesterday became nuts. Then Jackson started to get upset because all my attention was on Nate and so the tantrums started. I knew I needed to take care of myself too so I would produce enough milk, but it was nearly impossible. At the same time I didn't have time to think. I never do anymore. And that seems to be the biggest difference for me. I just do whatever feels right. And we seem to survive.

Then came today. Karl decided he needed to get to a doctor right away. Me - alone with the boys again. AND off to a chiropractor appointment and Costco. Could I do it? There was no thinking. Only doing.

It took me 9 months to get Jackson in a shopping cart after he was born. Yeah. You read that right. Nine months. Nate has been everywhere since he was three days old.

Not only did we take him all the way back to my parent's house (4.5 hours away...which, by the way is more like 6.5 hours with a toddler and a newborn. P.S. Jackson pooped in a garbage can at some random park and I nursed in the front seat. I'll spare you the details of where I peed.) 

But we drove 2.5 more hours (after surviving 6.5 hours) to get to my grandma's funeral and then 4 hours back to Minnesota from there. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster and letting go. I had no time to worry. I just had to do.

The drive always helps when you stop for ice cream

Let me tell you, nursing in a Catholic church with family members walking by and your grandma's open casket facing you takes on a new meaning. Tears streaming, snot running into Nate's hair and my brain going...is Jackson knocking down candles? When do I have to bring up the communion? What if Nate cries? What if Jackson throws a tantrum? Why does my sweater keep riding up?

My sweet grandpa after my grandma's funeral

So what did I do? I cried. I did everything I told myself I didn't want to. I walked straight up to my grandpa and held him. We bawled. I hate crying in front of people. I like to look strong. But my heart can't stop what it feels anymore. And I just let it all out. 

My grandpa is so hearttbroken right now. He kept asking me what he should do. And all I could say is "it's going to be OK". Because for some reason, I felt like that's what my grandma wanted me to say to him. 

I love my grandma too much to pretend everything is OK but I really felt like everything would be OK. I don't know how but it's what came out. Will it be???

I turned around and looked into my grandma's coffin. She looked like she always did to me. And that seemed weird. What was she doing in there? This wasn't really happening was it?? All I could picture was her sweet voice. Her dimples. The way she walked into my middle school classroom for EVERY SINGLE Grandparent's Day with Double Mint Gum in her mouth and her dimples popping everywhere.

A proud grandma. And my grandpa made sure he told me when he was holding me. "Your grandma loved you so much."

That got me.

The whole day felt like I was in some kind of bubble. My family is known for celebrating. We drink. We dance. We laugh. We love. We have fun. This was a whole new setting for me.

The priest shared a great homily. And while he was speaking, the crappy cloudy day turned. The sun BLAZED through the stainglass window behind the body of Jesus on the cross when he mentioned my grandma's name and rainbows surrounded her coffin. It was quite beautiful. 

I had a half eaten sucker in one hand. A matchbox car in the other. Snot dripping into my mouth and a box of Kleenex jammed into my thigh. None of that mattered. The light mattered. I stopped to remember that moment. Was she saying hi? Was God telling us everything WILL be OK?

Back to today... Karl was sent to the ER. Doctors thought he had an abscess tonsil. I was at the chiropractor with Nate and Jackson while Jackson was doing pullups on the office fish tank. 

Soon we were all adjusted. Somehow. I learned from the last time, that Nate poops rather quickly after. So I changed his poopy diaper. 

A side note: Just when you think you're ahead of the game.... well. You're not. 

The three of us headed to Costco and the screams began. I told Jackson that we'd have to hang tight in the parking lot once we got there until I fed Nathan. He said Nathan's crying hurt his stomach and I needed to make it stop. We hit every red light.

Then Jackson joined in on the loud screams and demanded a sucker. I did not have any suckers. I quickly got Nate on my boob. All the shoppers got a show. Too bad. Jackson won my cell phone so he could watch videos. Whew. Problem solved. Until the blowout hit. 

I didn't freeze though. I kept going. Who is this mom??? I changed Nate's diaper while he was on top of me in the passenger side of the car. Fed him more. Blow out number two. You HAVE to be kidding me. I changed him on top of me again. Done. We ran into the store. Nate cried the entire time. Ufdah. I got everything we needed and headed home.

Both boys happy.

I felt like I had climbed the world's largest mountain after that. I did it.

Every day feels like this incredible adventure with very little downtime right now. It's pretty wild. But I seem to run into enough people who remind me that it's not going to be like this forever. And after my grandma's funeral, I FEEL it too. 

The circle of life. The many phases. The many blessings we're given every single day. How fast the years go but how slow some days can seem.

Two is NOT easy. One isn't either. But at the same time, I want all of us to hang on super tight to these moments. 

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