Jackson is 3 Months Old - 13 Weeks

13 weeks postpartum

Jackson turned 3 months old during week 13. And I went back to work. Ugh! I'm saving a separate post for the going back to work deal...

I'm 3 Months Old!

  

Let’s start off with the positives!

We got back from our trip to Illinois. Jackson did wonderful again in the car. He practically slept the whole time in his car seat, which made me worried we’d have a rough night. Nope! He slept a good 6/7 hours for us. He’s just the best.

Such a champ in the car!

Tuesday Jackson and I had to take Karl’s car in to get the oil changed. Plus, the darn Sonata decided not to start for us in my parent’s driveway. Maybe there was a reason for that, but 20 minutes later, it started. Phew! Though part of me wished it broke down so we didn't have to come back and I'd have to push starting work off another week. I found out there was an issue with the brake and electrical signal. Jackson was so great at the dealer – everyone kept coming up to me saying how great he was. He sure makes his mom proud! No nap for him though.

After the car appointment, we stopped by our homecare provider’s house. I was a little nervous because I could feel change tickling the back of my neck all morning, but I knew I needed to see how Jackson would interact with her three kids. Jackson was fussy by this time we arrived because he  went the whole morning without a nap, and he was starting to get hungry. But Jenna was a PRO! Her kids gave Jackson kisses and were SO SWEET!! I was able to see firsthand how things would be and a HUGE calm came over me. We have been SO fortunate to have found Jenna. I know Jackson will be in good hands. And that makes me feel a trillion times better. Does it make things easier? No. I still wish I could be with him all the time.

Wednesday was another busy day of chiropractor appointments and our final ECFE class. I was so sad to leave. I almost cried when I said goodbye and thanked the teacher. I love all the moms I’ve met! And I love all the topics we discuss every week. I'm able to be open and know these women totally understand. And I really like learning the songs and singing them to Jackson throughout the day! It’s funny how all the memories I had as a kid with some of the songs flood back!! Itsy Bitsy Spider. The Wheels on the Bus. Yeah, I know you’re remembering these songs too!!

We again discussed co-parenting and the role of fathers (or at least a father figure). I love talking about stuff like this. We also talked about the high divorce rate and how we really have to work at communicating and being on the same page. It’s SO interesting to realize all the effects parents and their relationship with one another have on their children. Kids are SOOO smart detecting stuff. I just want to make sure Jackson is always in a happy environment. Some of the BEST advice I received during one of my baby showers is for me and Karl to love one another... Jackson will take notice.

My parents came up Wednesday night because Thursday was my big day back to work. I played volleyball Wednesday night and was so out of it because I kept thinking about going back to work. I thought I would start on a Thursday and have my parents up to ease into things and so I could see how things go with them. I was getting picture texts and updates from them every 30 minutes!! I loved it.

The negatives: I went back to work. But that post is coming!

Milestones for this week:

During ECFE class, I put Jackson on his tummy on a blue blanket and there was a green bowl in front of him. He worked his way toward the bowl and reached for it!

Also, when we put Jackson on his mat under his jungle gym on his belly, he'll turn himself in a complete circle. It's fun to watch.

My mom and Karl's dad have both said they think Jackson is going to get teeth sooner than later. He drools like crazy. And Karl's dad stuck his finger in his mouth and thinks he felt teeth coming through. We'll see!

My mom also said Jackson rolled over from his stomach to his back. He did this a couple times for us a few weeks back, but only when his arm is tucked under him. His arm was sort of tucked under him when my mom saw him flip. But I can tell he'll be doing this more and more.

My mom said she could tell Jackson felt like someone was missing and he'd fuss a lot. I hate that. I just want him to continue living up his life and being happy. This being away from him is HARD!

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First Long Car Ride and Other Milestones - Week 12

Week 12 postpartum (Note: a week late posting)

My first week of being behind posting something! Is this a sign of what's to come? Hope not!

What? I'm 12 weeks old??? Thanks Grandpa Powalish for the hat!

Jackson's 12th week was a busy one! We went to his first baseball game in Eagan to watch a neighbor friend's son of the Koester's pitch. Whenever we bring Jackson anywhere, he causes a scene. Everyone wants to hold him. But soon he started to get fussy so we went home. I needed to feed him and didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of high school kids. Later in the week we visited Grandma Koester at her work! She was pretty excited to see Jackson and to show him off! We went after our ECFE class.

Visiting Grandma Koester at work!

Speaking of our ECFE class... we talked about what kind of parents we want to be when Jackson is in pre-school, grade school, high school. It was weird thinking about it, but good too! And we talked about the importance of the father in a child's life and how HUGE their role is in the development of your child. Made me realize how much my dad meant to me growing up. It's so interesting the stuff you remember about your own childhood when you become a parent yourself!

There should be no bonding problem between these two!

Jackson took his very first (long) car ride - 5 hours to be exact. Of course I was worried...would he scream the whole time? Would he sleep that night?

Well, well, well! Jackson showed me!

We were supposed to leave around 4 but Karl didn't get off work like he hoped and we didn't leave until 6:30 - the exact time I was supposed to feed Jackson. Doh!!! I was all worried we'd make it 20 miles to I-94 and have to feed him. He surprised us by going five hours without wanting food! Half way to Illinois, we pulled into a Culver's parking lot so I could feed him and enjoy a delicious chocolate malt. Side note: Every time we go to Culver's our order never comes back right. I think it's because Karl forgets he needs to ask for lettuce and tomatoes and all that good stuff. It drives Karl crazy, yet we always keep going back!

Karl noticed there was another couple with a baby in the parking lot doing the same thing! He stopped over when the mom came out and said hi! They were going a lot farther than we were and had about six more hours to go.

Jackson didn't want to sleep after our stop so I showed the book Peek-A-Boo Forest to Jackson for a chunk of time. I was surprised when he reached for it. When we couldn't see the sun anymore, he was out and was out until we arrived in Roscoe. Yay!

Jackson during our long car ride enjoying Peek-a-Boo Forest and playing Peek-a-Boo

I fed him quick and we crawled in bed by 1:30 am. Well, someone was up for his 5 a.m. feeding and again at 9.  I was pretty tired. The moral of the story is mom needs to be in bed by 9 because Jackson will more than likely stick to his 5 a.m. schedule no matter what we do!

Friday was a bit foggy because I was so tired but my girlfriends from UW-Whitewater came over with their kids!! Wowwwweeeee, that was a lot of energy in my parent's house at one time. Now I see how crazy life gets with two. And I thought I ate fast...

It was so great to see my friends though and it made me sad I don't live closer:( Karl, Jackson and I then went out to the new Gun Club with my brother Mike and my parents and Jackson slept the whole time. He wasn't very interested in naps earlier, plus I was putting him in his bassinet for naps all weekend. He's not used to the flat surface for his naps. By Monday, he was taking over an hour nap in the bassinet. So I think I'm going to try transitioning him into his crib now. We'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed.

Saturday was my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. She was surprised!!!! Too bad it was SO HOT out!! Not as hot as it was at the cabin over the Fourth but hot enough where Jackson didn't want to be in it since he cried most of the time he was outside. Usually during family functions I'd get to catch up with each person and drink and have a grand ol' time. Not this time! I was able to hold a two-minute conversation and would have to go feed Jackson in a room or change a diaper or try to get him down for a nap. That was tough. Eating takes on a whole new meaning once you have a baby.

My Grandma and Grandpa holding Jackson! Favorite people in the world!!!

Jackson did get a little overstimulated again and I'd bring him inside but the good thing was people understood that and just let me be. Or maybe I was more vocal about it? Not sure. But I was much more at ease!

I just know I always feel so safe at my grandparents. I have such wonderful memories of their place and their love for us and one another. I never want to leave!!! But we had to and Jackson was really great the car ride home!! Another 2 hours!

On Sunday I was able to bring Jackson by my friend's house and introduce him to more people! Jackson is one loved baby!!!

New dads and their buddies!

I can't get over how dry Illinois and southern Wisconsin are!!! On our way back we saw the start of a nasty grass fire. We drove next to it. And as we kept looking back, the smoke and fire grew and grew!!! Hopefully it won't destroy too much!

Just wishing we lived closer to my family and friends back home. But what to do? I found a dream home in Wisconsin! But it's probably just that....a dream....for now anyway!

Home in Roscoe!

Milestones for the week:

Nothing too crazy new other than Jackson is using his legs a lot more to scoot when he’s on his back. He always scoots himself off his jungle gym mat. He also will push himself around in a full circle when he’s on his tummy. He’s so fun to watch. Love that little guy.

We also have been reading to Jackson every night before bed. We read the same book, Goodnight Moon, just so a routine is established. (Okay...Karl did have to get a book titled Weezer just because his favorite band in the whole world is Weezer...but the book is about a dog). Anyway, Jackson will look up at me and smile after each page. My heart melts into mush...kind of like the bowl of mush in the book. HA!

We read to Jackson every night! He's loving it!

My perfect sweetheart!

One more week before I go back....I can do this. I can do this...

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First Overnight Trip to the Cabin and Fourth of July - Week 11

week 11

We survived an "overnight" trip to the cabin!

I We did it! Though it was only one night, Jackson survived his first sleep over in a different environment. We'll be headed to Roscoe soon for FOUR nights so this was good practice! The Fourth of July landed on a Wednesday (boo!) this year and Karl only had that day off. As soon as he was off work Tuesday, we filled up the car with a week's worth of stuff (for only one night) and headed up north to the Koester's cabin. The drive is about two hours, so I made sure I fed Jackson before we left so we wouldn't have to make any stops.


Our little family at the Koester cabin

The weather was hot. Like 100+ degrees sweat your butt off hot and there were a lot of people and dogs around. Jackson (okay, mom too) isn't used to all the commotion and I'm pretty sure he was overstimulated beyond imaginable, but I really tried to go with it. It's still hard for me to see Jackson handled by so many people at one time - I'll openly admit it. I can't be the only one who struggles with this, right? I'm just trying to figure out why .... I mean, these people love him and aren't going to drop him. Seriously, what can I do about this anxiety I get?

Anyway, we brought him outside Tuesday night when it cooled some and stripped him down to his diaper and sat in a netted up tent to keep the bugs away. That was fun. He lasted a little bit before he started to get fussy. Then we brought him inside where it was nice and cool but there were a lot of people and a lot of passing him around again... He wailed and wailed. My heart broke. I just wanted to jump over and rescue him. I know he'll be fine but inside I'm not always OK. But I swallowed my anxiety down and let everyone take their turns. When I just couldn't bear seeing him so frustrated, I snagged him away and went into a quiet room and held him close and bounced. He started to fall asleep in my arms and I started to feel less anxious. I guess it's safe to say I just don't like to see Jackson upset. I hadn't seem him cry like that in a long time.

Uncle Ben worked on Jackson's abs of steel.


I wanted to keep Jackson on somewhat of a sleeping schedule since I am going back to work sooner than later and I want to be as consistent as I can be. Right now his last feeding of the day is usually around 9/9:30 and he's in bed by 10:30/11. I'd love for it to be earlier, but for now that works for all of us. I don't allow myself to stay up past 11 anymore otherwise I'm in big trouble. I need to make sure I get at least five hours of sleep, as I never know when Jackson will be up next during the night. I like to say 5:00 a.m. because that has been the norm for three weeks now, but we all know how consistent babies are.

We brought Jackson's bassinet with and set it up next to me. It took some work to get him down, but once all the lights were out, he was sleeping. Success! He woke around 1:30 a.m. moaning and whining, which is pretty normal. Then again at 3:30...and he kept moaning and stirring. So I got up and fed him. It was different changing him on a bed and doing things out of our routine but it seemed like Jackson went with it, so I did too. He's teaching me a lot! I had to keep reminding myself that I need to be open to change.

I was worried Jackson could be a little dehydrated from being outside in the heat, even for that short amount because he did get pretty sweaty. I didn't want him to go a full seven hours without eating anything. Babies sure are smart. He was up again around 6:30 and I fed him again. Like I wrote earlier, at home he's been falling asleep at 10:30/11 and sleeps until 5:20 a.m. He will get up a few times during the night and moan and toss and turn, but he goes right back to sleep.


Dad and Aunt Kelly giving Jackson a cool down bath outside!





Jackson didn't mind the heat when he was naked!

I put Jackson down again after the 6:30 feeding and we didn't get up again until 9:45! Yay! I'll admit I tossed and turned that entire time worrying about things I'm sure all mothers worry about.

It was way too hot to bring him outside and more and more people kept coming. I was starting to feel extremely overwhelmed and uber protective again. And again...not sure where that comes from. So instead of freaking out, I stepped outside by myself and took a quick little breath break. I tried to remind myself I get him all day long right now and it's OK to share, nobody will feed him deer sausages or run away with him either.

*If anyone has any suggestions on how to just go with it and let go, please let me know!*

The break was good for me. I haven't sat in the sun for almost a year (no I couldn't quite walk around in my bikini just yet). I just leaned back in a chair and breathed. I also flipped through some pages in my magazines. I started to feel normal again. Phew. So I knew the break was necessary. I didn't seem so on edge when I walked back in the cabin. I just don't understand where this protective mama bear comes from??? It's nuts. Will it ever go away?

The rest of the day consisted of more feedings and eating and sitting in the sun (and one tasty margarita!). Jackson refused to go down for one of his nice long naps the entire day. There was just too much going on and too many people for him to relax and close those eyes for a long period of time. But before I knew it, it was time to go home and I knew he'd be out the minute we started driving.



We caught a doe and her baby cooling off in the corn by the cabin

We were able to catch some firework shows on our drive back and Jackson woke up 45 minutes before we got home. I thought for sure he'd be out the entire drive and for the rest of the night. Those babies love to surprise us, don't they? He had one more feeding and slept until 5 the next morning. His diaper was dry when I changed him, which worried me because usually it's pretty heavy going that long without a change. But after his 5:20 feeding, we were back on track! Phew.

Some Milestones for the Week:
Jackson has been really discovering his arms and hands and loves to suck. He sucked so hard on his arm that he gave himself a hickey. I finally brought out some of his toys because he isn't always interested in his pacifier, nor do I want to get him super addicted to it either. He hasn't totally warmed up to his toys, but he's reaching more for the ones hanging from his jungle gym or he is perfectly content grabbing hold of his burp cloth and snuggling with it. He's SO cute when he does this.

Munching down on his hand!

Jackson has found my hair, my necklace and ears. If he's not gripping onto my necklace, he's pulling my hair or grabbing my ears. I think this is hilarious because I love pulling on Karl's ears.

Jackson has found my hair!

He's also been making lots more noises. He'll sit in his rock n play while I make breakfast and have a full on conversation with himself. It cracks me up. And when I try to make the same sounds back to him, he tries so hard to laugh. Right now a big gasp of air comes out and I can just tell in the next couple weeks a huge giggle will soon follow. But his face lights up and he smiles back. That is the GREATEST feeling ever!!!

It's been HOT all week  - too hot to even walk outside! So Jackson and I hit up the Mall of America on Monday. One lap around is supposed to be about a mile, so we did a total of 50 minutes...3 miles! It was VERY hard to resist the stores, so I stayed on level 3 and looked straight ahead. I can't be spending money I don't have right now!

Walking laps at the Mall of America

In other BREAKING NEWS.... Kerri Walsh tweeted me. Ummm...yeah. How cool is that? We've been pondering having kids back-to-back or waiting a couple years in-between. I read an article about Kerri in one of my Health magazines. She had her boys back to back between Olympics. One is 3 and one is 2. Seems crazy. So I tweeted her asking how it was. And she wrote back! Neat huh?

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Body After Baby - week 11

How Do I Get My Body Back Pre-Baby?

So the last "almost" three month have been spent learning how to be a mother. Dear God, I will say these past three months have been the HARDEST three months of my life. Nobody could have prepared me for this. No book. No person. No blog. Nobody. But, I will say I feel like once this week [week 11] hit, I finally started to get the hang of things. *huge sigh of relief* A little bit of a routine has been established and I'm understanding Jackson's cues and cries. I can once again do multiple things at once. I can focus solely on b-feeding when it's that time (OK...I do check Facebook from time to time and catch up on some shows) and enjoy that precious time. I'm getting more than four hours of sleep. I can cook once again (not totally there just yet but good enough for now). I'm thinking things can only start looking up from here on out.

Bod before baby...

But then I try to put on a pair of non-maternity pants or shorts or capris - all that loosely fit me last summer - and I can't even get them up past my thighs. WTF. Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to freak out and invest in stretchy pants. And part of me just feels flat out frustrated. What the heck am I going to wear to work??  I better figure out something because I have two in a half more weeks before I go back! There's a huge part of me dying to get back into a workout schedule like I had before, and a much healthier eating pattern, but right now, I can't. There is not enough time in the day and I haven't quite figured out how to fit it in. I try to go to the gym at night, but that's when Karl gets home and I DO really like spending time with my hubs! Otherwise, I feel a little jipped out of my time with him and I want to give him a little break since he's been at work all day. I can't just dump Jackson on him.

I worked out my entire pregnancy just so my body COULD bounce back. I will say I'm pretty sure all that working out did help my body recover faster - but it sure didn't help the delivery go any smoother or quicker. I think it was around day four when I got on the scale and 15 pounds were gone like that. Day 7 and I was down 20. But then my husband bought a bread maker and I would eat bags of chocolate and I was eating whatever I could find time to push down my throat the last three months. I've been battling those last 15 pounds. I'd like to lose an additional 20 but I don't want to overwhelm myself. I need to be realistic here.

My weight goes a little like this, and mind you I'm 5'10"....

High school -125 lbs (freshman and sophomore years - yes, people thought I was anorexic)

High school - 135 lbs (junior year)

High school - 145 lbs (senior year...I worked at McDonald's and would order an Arch Deluxe, supersize fry...milkshake and take home a hot fudge sundae three nights a week....Oh, the life!)

Freshman year in college 170 lbs (hello weight lifting and breadbowl salads from Perkins and the cereal bar at the campus cafeteria...and I was introduced to alcohol... Little puffy might I say?)

Sophomore through Junior year - 163 lbs

Senior year - 169 lbs (my BFF and I would run to the grocery store, buy candy...eat it as we ran back and then order a triple order of cheese breadsticks and eat the whole thing...)

Post college when I moved to Minnesota - 179 lbs (beer...poker...pizza...beer and more beer and a crapload of working out to make sure I could eat and drink that much. Obviously that doesn't work!)

When I met Karl - 170 lbs (started not being such a freak about working out two times a day because I was so busy getting to know my sweetie pie...)

When Karl proposed -160 lbs (I started cooking my own foods and started drinking 2% milk instead of fat free stuff. Gave up all sugar free and fake stuff. Ate only REAL foods and in smaller portions. Worked out only a few times a week.)

Wedding day - 142 lbs (Skinny ass. Dress had to be taken in two sizes.)

After Honeymoon - 148 lbs (We went all out and ate and drank like Kings. BEST TRIP EVER!)

Pre-baby - I was between 152-154 for two in a half years and hired a trainer to tone me up! My body fat went from 22% to 18%!! I started cooking kick ass healthy meals from all my healthy magazines.

9 months pregnant - 192 lbs (Yep, totally freaked out. Remembered how long it took to get down into the 150s but kind of hoped baby weighed 30 lbs (not really for pain's sake). But kept my weight under 200. That was my goal.)

3 months AFTER baby - 167-170 lbs (I must stop baking and snacking on CRAP! But I'm at home and put anything in my mouth. And I only go on walks for my daily workouts. Not a big enough calorie burn. And I'm breastfeeding. I do not want to mess with my milk supply so I don't want to lose too quickly!)

That's my weight in a nutshell. My awesome trainer from Life Time Fitness was so sweet he offered to train me for FREE (as a congrats on baby). Now every week he holds me accountable by emailing me for my workouts. I need 3-4 cardio and 2-3 lifts in a week. Right now I have no problem meeting cardio because I walk everyday (it's a little tough with it being SO hot out though). It's the lifting that's hard because I can't ever find time to get to the gym. But my sweet mom bought me free-weights and I got an exercise band in the mail from renewing a magazine subscription, so I can do my lifting routine at home. It just won't be as great. But if I can get one good one in at the gym a week, maybe I can get two in at home.

I also just started making a healthy protein filled breakfast every morning so I can make getting Jackson ready, eating breakfast and myself getting ready work when I get up and start going to work again. One day it's two eggs with veggies, a slice of Karl's homemade bread with flax and a side of fresh fruit. The next day it's oatmeal topped with fruit and flax. I need more protein in there and am going to try mixing in Greek Yogurt to see if that will do the trick or Protein Whey. I noticed if I START off with a healthy meal, I am more likely to stick with it all day. I stopped baking (sorry Karl). So hoping to peal off at least 1-2 pounds a week and get back into the 150s SOON!! For now, I'll be wearing the same pants to work for a little while.

I just need to figure out when I can go to the grocery store once I start up work again and when exactly we'll be eating since I'm going to want to spend every second with Jackson once I pick him up from homecare. This should be interesting! Anyone have any tricks???

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Weekly Milestones - week 10

10 weeks postpartum

Jackson is growing so fast and learning so quickly! This week we worked hard on his neck muscles after the Pedetrician told us to be careful or he might develop serious torticollis. On Friday last week I brought out his massive jungle gym and got to work. Every day since Friday we did a minimum of five minutes of tummy time four times a day so Jackson could push himself up and move his neck around. He struggled so much until today! He GOT it!!! He pushed himself up and looked left and right...no squeeling, just exploring. I also laid him on his back so he could swat at all the toys hanging over him. He didn't know what to think at first, but soon he was swatting his hands all over, discovering all the neat toys in front of him.

Lots of tummy time at the Koester house

Working those neck and back muscles!

I think all the tummy time and exercising wears him out. Every night since we've been putting him in his gym, he's slept more than five hours at a time. Some nights he's even slept seven in a row!! I can't even believe it. I keep wondering when we'll go back to four... I pray we're past that. I know...I know... Right.

It's so fun watching him discover objects and sounds

Makes me see how incredibly smart babies are and how fast they pick stuff up!

I'm trying to transition him into his Pack N Play for naps considering we're headed up to Karl's parent's cabin soon. This will be the first time he'll sleep somewhere other than his bassinet and at home. I'm a little nervous and hope he'll be OK. We went up to the cabin for a day a couple weeks ago and he wasn't very good at napping there. I guess we'll see how it goes! I'm trying to get him on a schedule but I know that's nearly impossible when traveling and with him being so young yet. He slept in his Pack N Play for his evening nap yesterday for 30 minutes. That's pretty good considering he usually naps maybe 2 minutes top in there. When he's in his swing, he naps 1-3 hours.

I also know we need to transition him into his nursery soon. I want to do that before I start working so I don't lose too much sleep when I go back to work. This is going to be harder on ME than I thought. I've learned to love him being right there next to me in his bassinet!

We noticed Jackson has started to snuggle with things more and grab shirts and blankets. He loves cuddling up with his burp cloths or squeezing any stuffed toys we put by him. He also likes trying to put them in his mouth. His mouth is totally ready to explore these days. Oh boy.

Loves to cuddle these days

I had my first moment since being a mom where the day seemed to go on forever! And I mean FOREVER. Jackson woke up extra early and only fell back asleep for an hour. We were up quite early. Even after getting back from our 45 minute walk, we had a full day in front of us. The time seemed to inch by and I was so tired from getting up so early. I couldn't WAIT for Karl to get home. I had to pour myself a glass of wine to help me through. Ha! Soooo I had my very first positive thought about going back to work. I know...terrible.

My friend Jill walked over with her girls this morning and we walked to Caribou and Panera. It was so fun to catch up and hang out with her again. I needed that! I wish I had more days like these, but at the same time I'm trying to savor every moment with Jackson because I know once I'm back at work, I won't get all the time in the world with him like I have now.

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Worries About Daycare - week 10

10 weeks postpartum

The countdown begins for when I return to work. I'm so dreading it. I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings and pretend I'm excited about this. Becoming a working mom is going to be another huge transition for me (again). I feel like I was just faced with a MAJOR change when I became a first-time mom. And now I have to change my lifestyle once again in a very BIG way.

I went from selfish Christie - the girl who could do anything whenever she wanted for the past 32 years. To selfless Christie - the mom who gave up everything to put her son first in a blink of an eye (major major change for this girl). To the working mom - the woman who has no idea how she's going to balance it all or even knows where to begin.

Today I had a nice email exchange with the awesome person who will be watching Jackson. It made me feel TONS better. She made me feel really good about everything. It's so crazy how we met. The older I get, the more I realize that God is working in all of us and does have a greater plan. Sometimes we are at the right place at the right time and magic happens. Anyway, her kids are amazing and I know she's going to surpass my expectations, but I'm still sad. I have to let my baby go...a little at a time. He's only going to be three months!!! I already have to start letting go??? I'm just getting used to him and getting to know him.

I'm sure the weeks leading up to going back are the most anxious of times just because I don't know how I'm going to be or how Jackson will adjust. Will I bawl my eyes out that week I'm back at work?? Will my coworkers think I've lost it? Will I be okay? Will Jackson? Will I get enough sleep every night? (So much for making up for lost sleep with naps anymore.) Will I be angry that I can't be at home with Jackson? Will I be ticked that I can't work from home some days when I know it's totally doable? Will I be frustrated that I can't win the lottery? Will Jackson cry the entire day? Will he miss me like crazy? Will he feel abandoned by his mommy? I really have no idea what to expect and that's what's killing me. I'm sure I'll feel all these things and more.

For two years I saved up enough so I could take 12 weeks off work and not worry about money. I knew my work didn't have the best maternity leave, just short term to cover 2 weeks at 60 percent. Now I wish I had been saving since I graduated college so I could take an entire year off work to raise my son. But I can't go back in time and I need to learn to accept this is how it's going to be. I'm going to be a working mom, unless we win the lottery or we move to Roscoe, Illinois, and move in with my parents. Ha. Or...maybe, just maybe I can come up with some genius plan.

With that said, I'm trying to find a way to make all my dreams come true! I'm officially on a mission. I've had four nights of 6.5 hours of sleep (in a row) and have been back to taking long morning walks with Jackson...which means one thing. I'm back to dreaming big. I still have ideas that I'm going to start putting into place. But that's a post for another day.

Right now, I feel the only way I can get rid of some of this anxiety is to write out my fears of being a working mom and leaving Jackson at daycare.

1. I feel like Jackson is going to forget me (or stop recognizing me) overtime because we'll be apart more than we are together. Why, oh why, must this be??
2. I hate the thought of someone else raising my son. Isn't that my job?
3. What if he turns into one of those crazy bratty kids who spits and bites and acts out because he didn't have a mom who paid enough attention, and needed someone else to do it?
4. What if he cries the entire day and drives our daycare person crazy?
5. What if something bad happens and I can't be there in time to fix it or save him?
6. What if he gets mixed up between houses and schedules and is so overwhelmed he becomes lost and unhappy? He's such a happy baby right now!
7. What if all I think about is him while I'm at work ... and become depressed to the point I can't get out of bed because I can't do anything about it??
8. Am I going to miss out on major milestones??? Laughing. Crawling. Talking. Walking. I will die!
9. When I get home from work, I'll want all my attention on Jackson...what about cooking? Eating? Cleaning? Working out? Time with Karl? Meeting up with friends? Volleyball league? Will there be time for any of that?
10. How can someone love Jackson as much as me...or give him all the best???
11. What if Jackson doesn't take to the bottle, and is starving? Or what if he loves the bottle and loses interest in me?
12. What if my milk production goes way down and I have to turn to formula? Will he get sick more??

Some Pros

1. We'll be able to save for Jackson.
2. We'll be able to add to his 529b accounts... College paid for? Check!
3. We'll be able to take Jackson to fun places because we can afford to.
4. I'll get more adult interaction
5. I'll feel challenged in my career and will continue to have outside hobbies and not feel like I'm losing myself.
6. Jackson will interact with other kids (wonderful kids) and will be exposed to people and be accepting of others at a young age.
7. Jackson will learn things from a really great mom with experience...things I probably wouldn't know to do. And she can help me along the way!

I'm sure there are more... I add to both lists every day. But this is all I can think of right now. For now, I'm trying to ENJOY the PRESENT. I still have three weeks to enjoy Jackson full time.

Basically I'm telling myself this isn't permanent. Anything can happen. I keep praying something will. The only way things won't change is if I sit here and worry and complain and do NOTHING about it. So I'm going to DO something about it and make this work. Let's see what can happen if someone has a dream and wants things to work so bad. Watch out world, here comes Mama Christie.

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Baptism, Shots and Growing - 9 weeks

9 weeks postpartum

So much happened in a week's time! Since last Friday we've had tons of people in and out and had a lot of stuff going on. My head was about to fall off with such little sleep. It's hard to be chipper when you're tired. I have no idea how I'm going to do this once I'm back working.

I don't know if all the busyness and commotion is the reason Jackson decided to continue his short sleeping pattern of only 3 to 4 hour stretches this week. Last night was the first night he slept six hours in awhile. THANK GOD! Granted he woke up at 1:30 (whined and moaned) then drifted back off to sleep and same with at 3:30, but I didn't have to get up to feed him until 5:50. I was the one that actually woke him because he was doing his moaning so loud. His eyes are closed this whole time. This is why I wonder if putting him in his nursery would be a good thing. Anyway...the last time I fed him was 8:45 that night, so I think we're on to something...

Jackson has a new friend!!! He loves his new pal, Winnie!

We had a lot of family around this last week because Jackson had his baptism on Sunday! Before I get to the baptism, my mom and I went to the Shakopee Baby Fair on Saturday. Highly recommended. It was a free event and totally awesome. They had free food, prizes, samples, massages and bags of stuff I will be using for sure. Of course they had the Minnesota Vikings Cheerleaders there and they were totally drawn to Jackson. How could they not be??

Jackson's Baptism
We had both sides of the family over on Saturday night for a cookout. Whoa...that was a bit crazy and a little hard to enjoy being so tired. I hate being this tired. And I know people have it way worse, but I've always been a person who needs her sleep in order to be all bubbly. But I will say I now know why my mom would get so stressed out before family events. You want everything to turn out and you want everyone to have a good time, and you need to make sure there's enough food and drinks. I hate when I see people sitting by themselves or looking like they are bored. But I kind of felt like a zombie half the time, so I didn't go out of my way to fix any of that. So I just felt bad. I sure need my naps right now and I didn't get any in or any on Friday. The anxiety inside me started to grow.

Jackson did so good! Father...Son and Holy Spirit!

Sunday the festivities began! We met everyone at the church and put Jackson in his special gown. Everyone in the Koester family has been wearing it for years. I think because it was so warm, Jackson fell asleep during most of the worship service. He was so good for us!

We took two classes before the baptism. Building Blocks of Baptism where we watched a movie by Rob Bell called Rain. I cried. It really had meaning to me. I watched it a few years before but this time it really tugged at my heart.

Everyone who came to the baptism!!

Our other meeting took place at our house. Pastor Stephanie came over (at night because she's so awesome) and asked us some questions about baptism and why it's so important to instill faith in Jackson, as well as what our faith goals are for Jackson. We also wrote letters to Jackson describing our hopes and dreams for God's presence in his life. I didn't think his baptism would be so emotional and meaningful, but it was. I want the best for our little boy. It made me realize how important having that faith community is. I want him to have a safe place outside of the home where he knows he can turn to when he's feeling troubled or lost or alone... So many members of the church came up to us welcoming Jackson. That was a really cool feeling. I love our church.

Two Month Checkup
Jackson had his two-month check up on Tuesday morning. I was worried about him getting his shots. There are so many pros and cons out there. I just hope we did the right thing. Thankfully Karl came with so I could lean on him. We had tons of questions for the pediatrician. I especially wanted to know if Jackson was on track with his weight since at the baptism I heard lots of comments that he seemed like he was starving. And everyone kept asking me his weight. I hated that. I don't know why it bothers be so much...maybe because I feel like they are looking at me and judging me. And thinking I'm not good enough. The first week (ok...two) was super tough with getting Jackson to latch on, so I already have confidence issues with his feedings. My anxiety was at an all time high...and throw in a series of sleepless nights and I was wound up so tight. At least Karl's grandpa said Jackson looked really happy and healthy. I almost wanted to hug him!!! This feeding/comments is a whole separate post for another time. I need to work on letting people's comments roll off my back because I know they aren't going to stop. I also learned in my infant class that a lot of these comments come from those who feel as though they've lost control. It makes sense the more I think about it!

At his appointment Jackson was 11 pounds 9.75 ounces. He is right on track for his size. We have nothing to worry about. Phew! Every baby is different. For heavens sake I was 10 pounds at birth. I'm sure my two month check up was a lot different than Jackson's!

Such a good boy! Only cried a little bit from all three shots.

What we do have to worry about is the way Jackson always likes turning his head to the left. There is a little flat spot starting to develop. So this entire week I have been exercising his neck so he's turning it both ways. We've been switching the way he sleeps too. If it doesn't improve by the 4 month visit, we will have to take him to therapy. Even though Karl makes those baby helmets, I do not want him making one for Jackson!

Jackson LOVES turning his head to his left.

Jackson rolling on balls or paper towel rolls helps strengthen his neck muscles

The doctor also gave us a prescription for Omepra because Jackson spits up so much and arches his back and sometimes screams while I burp him. Day two of the meds and he's still spitting up and yelling. So we'll see...

Jackson received three shots (Pentacel, Hep B and PCV7) in his leg (one he bled a lot from since he tensed) and also a liquid drink mix for the Rotavirus.

Later that day, we had a special visitor come from Illinois. My next door neighbor in Illinois since the day he was born, EC, stopped by for a visit. I loved it because we're both first time parents. He gets it. He knows everything I'm going through right now. By the time he left, Jackson had a fever of 100.4. I started to freak out. I gave him some Pedi-Sure to help with his fever and it went down just a couple degrees.

Erik stopped by from Roscoe, Illinois to meet Jackson!

24 hours later and his fever was gone. Phew! I was a nervous wreck. How will I be when he really gets sick????

Jackson's Milestones for the Week
We noticed Jackson likes to hold his pacifier in his mouth! This helps us out because it seems we're washing these things a lot!

Holding down his pacifier

I also shook one of Jackson's toys and put it by his hands. He hooked it in his hand and started moving it around. That was cool to see.

One of his first toys Jackson's played with.

Dad's been wearing the Baby Bjorn around the house and testing Jackson out in the carrier. He lasts for a few minutes but each time it seems like he enjoys it more and more.

Pretty soon dad and Jackson will be able to do the dishes!!!

What I'm Going to Miss
I really enjoy our daily walks. We had a hard time fitting them in this week and I missed them a lot. They help me clear my head. It was too hot and stormy all week and Jackson wasn't sleeping very well during the night so I was getting up later and by then it was way too hot to go out. And there was just too much going on this week with my parents up.

I love our walks around our neighborhood.

I'm just going to miss being with Jackson all day. I'm trying to not think about it and just enjoy each day, but I know it's coming. Sometimes after he eats we'll snuggle and he stares up at me and smiles. Or else he just makes eye contact and I swear he's trying to tell me something. He seems happy. And I don't want to take that security away from him!  Each day gets harder for me to accept that I really am going back to work. There is no way around it.

Dear God. Please don't make my mommy go back to work. Amen.

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